So much for the ideas that come to you while biking. I've already forgotten what I was going to say. Luckily, the problems are all still around, so whether I state them in a comparatively eloquent manner or whether I just flat out whine, you'll get to hear about them. Well, you and the one other person who reads my blog/notes out of pity, insomnia or procrastination. Actually, I have three followers on the blog, so maybe you and two other peeps. Anyway.
I speak too soon most of the time. I'm more than willing to declare something fine that will really end its days in an inevitable crash into a billion tiny LEGO pieces after the first test of its capabilities, like seed thrown among rocks. Yes, I just combined a LEGO trebuchet with the parable of the sower, because that, my friends, is my life.
Case in point: This summer. I'm all sorts of happy to say that I'm at peace with my decision and that I'm in the right place and that this will be a summer of growing, but as soon as that idea is put to the test, I start wondering if I really am right. That's a bit of a blow to the confidence, actually, because that's all my powers of discernment out the window, if I've been under the wrong impression about this. Not a big surprise, since I'm used to living under happy delusions, but I thought there had been some sincere God-conversation on this one, not just a big lie to myself and the ceiling. I walked across my room the other night to turn off the lights for the first time, because normally I just leave a lamp on and turn the overheads off. I flip off the fluorescent light and forget that the Catholics keep on leaving their alley light on to keep me up all night- I'm quite amazed by the quiet happiness of my fake night sky. And this is now pathetic, because what could have been a moment is now reduced to the realization that I'm just as happy with fake things as I am with real things. And what's better about glow-in-the-dark stars than the real thing? I can change them. But being happy isn't enough- I want joy. Science isn't going to cut it- I want something else.
Bible study this week: James, chapter 2, faith and works. Well, there's more to chapter 2, but that's the chunk that bothers me a bit a lot. I threw out a question about works without faith because I figured I'd covered faith without works in my brain. I agree, happy Sunday School answer, that if you're not helping the world or at least brother in need at every chance you get, your faith isn't living, isn't growing. But, silly me, I went after the question of good people who aren't of faith, like Rahab (or, less confusingly, Ghandi) who, as we decided, are following a path without knowing why, living out a faith in a Person they don't even really know. I was so focused on addressing a question burning in my brain that I ignored the pull of the good in me that wanted me to see how dead my faith is, if works are the fruit of a healthy faith.
Devotion this morning: Are You Spiritually Exhausted? I don't know how many of you have had this experience, where a new believer or someone who wants to believe or a child who's really more of an adult is asking you questions and trying your patience (wonderful phrase, by the way, putting your patience on trial) and taking all the God out of you for themselves. They can't help it. You are their link to the Lord and they haven't learned to go to Him yet for food. It took me a good while to get to the point where I was getting fed enough to feed others and a little longer to realize that it was my place in life then to open up enough to help people see the light that I hide deep under the bushel. It took me three years of camp to realize that a morning devotion is really worth getting up that much earlier to get something in you before the day takes it all away. Guess what? I'm spiritually over-fed. I don't think I'll feel exhausted this whole summer (pray that I'm wrong) and I'm so sure that I can't be right if I'm not giving all this extra away.
And, just to confuse me, Bible Reading: The Book of Acts. Paul goes through so many trials, like legit, sit before a king, judge, ruler and plead for your life trials. By the time he appeals to Caesar, I'm not wondering anymore why I never read any of this before. It's a bit repetitive. But after listening to Paul, King Aggripa says that he could be freed if he hadn't already appealed to Caesar. I'm a sitting there thinking, Well, Paul, you messed this one up. You could have been free, back out on the streets preaching where you're called to be. Then I look at my little side note. 'Did Paul make a mistake in appealing to Caesar? Paul appealed to Caesar not only for justice as a Roman citizen but also to fulfill his mission of carrying the gospel to Gentile kings. Since Caesar was the most powerful king in the world at the time, the opportunity was golden.' Oh. Well, darn.
You know, there is an ocean of faith out there. Call it what you want- a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, a closer walk with the Lord, a faith in God. There is a depth to this God-Jesus thing that they don't mention in Sunday School. It's a parfait. Just when you've figured out the first layer and start planning your life according to the basic truths you've got covered there, this other layer appears, pulling you deeper, making you understand that the Truth is not a set of rules and that you need daily guidance, not because it's confusing but because you're confused. And under that... well, I'll let you know. It probably has something to do with understanding that what's right is as simple as Love the Lord Your God With All Your Heart and Love Your Neighbor As Yourself and that knowing where you're dared to go has something to do with spending a lot more time with this Word Made Flesh person. We'll see.
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