God, The World is Unfair

God, this world is unfair-
He's so handsome and I'm so ugly.
Even if I gave you the moon
you'd still refuse to love me.
And he, without making a move,
without a word or a glance
Put some tenderness
into your big black eyes.
You'll give yourself to him
and believe all of his oaths.
You love him for his stature
without looking at what's inside.

God, this world is unfair-
He a lord and I a lout.
He'll give you the moon
when you've asked for nothing.
God, this world is unfair-
Go love your shining knight!
The satin of your dark skin
is not made for tramps.
My ugliness is an insult
to your brazen beauty.
An error of mother nature's
didn't grant me any favors.

God, this world is unfair-
Our fate is not theirs.
We don't have a fortune,
but them, do they have hearts?
They're born into lace
to make love and war.
But we poor earthworms,
our lives are filled with beauty.

And on which side is God?
On the side of the monstrances
Or on the side of those
who pray morning and night?
This Jesus that we so adore
has He always preferred
the three wise men and their gold
above us poor shepherds?

God, this life is cruel
for two searching hearts.
I so ugly and you so fair,
how could you possibly love me?

Dieu, Que le Monde est Injuste

Dieu, que le monde est injuste-
Lui si beau et moi si lais.
Je te donnerais la lune
Tu ne voudrais pas m'aimer.
Et lui sans faire un seul geste,
Sans un mot sans un regard,
Il a mis de la tendresse
Au fond de tes grands yeux noirs.
Tu lui donneras ton corps,
Tu croiras à ses serments,
Tu l'aimes pour le dehors,
Sans voir ce qu'il y a dedans.

Dieu, que le monde est injuste-
Lui seigneur et moi vaurien.
Il te donnera la lune
Toi qui ne demandais rien.

Dieu, que le monde est injuste-
Aime ton beau cavalier!
La satin de ta peau brune
N'est pas pour les va-nu-pieds.
Ma laideur est une insulte
A ta beauté insolente.
Une erreur de la nature
Qui ne me fut pas aimante.

Dieu, que le monde est injuste-
Notre lot n'est pas le leur.
Nous n'avons pas de fortune
Mais eux, ont-ils donc un coeur?
Ils sont nés dans la dentelle
Pour faire l'amour et la guerre,
Mais nous pauvres vers de terre,
Notre vie est bien plus belle.

Et de quel côté est Dieu
Du côté des ostensoirs?
Ou bien du côté de ceux
Qui le prient matin et soir?
Ce Jésus que l'on adore,
A t-il toujours préféré
Les Rois Mages avec leur or
A nous autres pauvres bergers?
Dieu, que la vie est cruelle-
Pour deux coeurs qui se cherchaient
Moi si laid et toi si belle.
Comment pourrais-tu m'aimer?

-From Notre Dame de Paris

This is for You, Self-Righteous Jerk in my Education Class

OK, can I just say something?

I am never going to tell a kid that they can't do something, that they can't go to college, that they can't be a doctor, that they can't save the world, because not only do I not know their full potential, but I am consistently amazed at God's potential and in His work through humans. I might not believe it all the time, but things can change and the easiest way to stop change from happening is to stop the people driving the change from believing that things could get better.

But I am not going to let a kid set themselves up for failure. They have to know what they're getting into and someone has to be there for them. I am not going to let someone dream that they'll stand on Saturn. I'll stay up all night with them to help them get to stand on Mars and I'll work with them every second of every day to make sure that they are everything they think they can be and more, but I am not going to pat them on the back and tell them they can do whatever they want to do. You have to be in love with physics to make it through it, or be willing to abuse it in order to get to what you really love. You have to have a drive to be a doctor to get through med school. College isn't what everyone wants and it isn't what everyone needs in their lives. Find your dream and follow it, but don't assume that your dream is going to follow you.

You can change the world. You just gotta know that the world's going to fight back.

Tortilla Chip Castles in the Air

Galileo did not go blind from looking at the sun. Just thought you should know. Please ask me for extensive details about the actual causes of his loss of sight as I just spent an hour reading up on that. Because I'm awesome like that.

So I recently went to lunch at Pancho's with the wonderful Isaac-O and we had fun times. By the end of the meal we were attempting to build towers out of our chips (it's harder than it looks) but before then we were swapping stories about the little sweethearts that we get to deal with when we work with kids and talking about college and education classes and teachers and things like that. I'm not really sure where this came from, but at some point along the way, Isaac asked me if I had invented a time machine yet. I said I hadn't but I had learned a couple of reasons why you couldn't really invent a time machine. He said I invent a time machine and go back in time to tell myself not to be a physics major. I contended that if I went back in time to tell myself not to be a physics major and I listened to myself, I would never invent a time machine and therefore never be able to go back in time and tell myself not to be a physics major. This is the compromise story we came up with (with some embellishment). Imagine that music that always introduces a daydream or a back flash playing as the scene fades in a ripple from a booth at a Mexcian restaurant to the blue rectangular practice rooms of the South Caldwell band room.

High school Addie Jo and Isaac are shooting the breeze at some convenient break time. "So, Jaddie-o," Isaac says, "What do you plan to do with the rest of your life?"

"Well, Isaac-O, I intend to study astrophysics because it's just so much fun to say," Addie Jo replies with a laugh. Suddenly the scrap pieces of music and drill charts swirl around in an inexplicable and instantaneous tornado. Dramatic music based around the sound of magical wind swells and then drops off as the papers settle back to the ground, calmed by the arrival of two figures from a different place, if not a different time.

"Who are you?" Addie Jo demands as the figures approach the two friends. Isaac lists the other questions he might have asked, such as "Why did an inexplicable and instantaneous tornado occur?" or "How did you get here?" or "Are they going to clean up the papers? 'Cause they're all over the place and the tornado was not my fault."

The shorter figure flung back the protective black hood and swiftly declared, "Don't be a physics major."

After a few moments of silence, which the high school students assumed were for dramatic effect, the second figure pulled back his hood and said, "I told you it would take more than that to convince yourself to change your life plans." He proceeded to shrug off the rest of the black robe, revealing a faded button-up plaid shirt over a t-shirt and jeans. Isaac admired the fact that future him still enjoyed wearing converses.

"Maybe I just didn't understand me," the first figure replied. She turned back to her past self and said, "Don't be a physics major. Find something else to do with your life. Just tell everyone that you wanted to be an astrophysicist. That way you can still say it all the time. Trust me, your life will be much easier." She pulled her long hair out of her robe before taking it off and folding it over her arm. Addie Jo noted with satisfaction that her future self got away with wearing flip-flops before she realized what was going on.

"Wait a hot second. You mean to tell me that you came back from the future to tell me change my life? How did you get here?" she demanded of her future self.

"My question exactly," said Isaac.

"She built a time machine-" Future Isaac started, but Future Addie Jo cut him off.

"Don't tell her that! Then she'll want to do it! I mean, think about it- if you told yourself that you made a time machine, why would you want to change anything? Your future self has to be pretty awesome, if I may so say myself." She paused to smirk. "Besides, I think we might be early," she added, looking intently at her past self. "We don't have the same face."

Future Isaac contended that they did and that he was right. After a quick discussion, the story came out. After a discussion at lunch one day, Isaac had stated that Addie Jo should build a time machine in order to convince her past self not to be a physics major, since it had added unnecessary stress into her life. Since actors are better at conveying confident scientific information than scientists are, Addie Jo had believed him that such a thing could be accomplished and set out build a time machine, a task that she achieved in a remarkably short period of time, given the current financial crisis in the sciences and the lack of research on the topic. They both recalled that at that first fateful discussion of time travel, Addie Jo had insisted that her past self would immediately change her mind if given the opportunity.

"Then why did you come, Future Isaac?" asked Isaac. Future Isaac shrugged. "To see what would happen."

"Listen, past self," Future Addie Jo began again, "You don't want to be a physics major. I know why you picked it and I know what you're thinking, but it's not going to turn out the way you want. You're just not suited to it and you're not going to want to work through it and all it will give you is pain and suffering."

"And a time machine," Addie Jo retorted.

"I didn't remember that you were that snarky," Future Isaac interjected.

"If I told you that someone else would invent the time machine and you just made a cheap copy of it, would you change your mind?" Future Addie Jo asked herself pleadingly. Addie Jo turned to Isaac. "Am I really that bad of a liar?" Isaac shrugged and tried to look innocent. "Yeah, I guess I am."

"Well, you know, it was a lot of work and I never got any credit for it. I mean, seriously, the flux capacitor by itself-"

"Flux capacitor? Really?"

"Listen, maybe you can tell yourself to be a little more creative with names. It'll be your idea if you don't change your mind now."

"Oh, well, by all means, if thinly veiled copyright infringement is my future, I have to change my mind." Addie Jo rolled her eyes.

"Gee, if self-depreciation is my past, maybe I should go back and change it, too. Oh wait, I can. Too bad you can't do anything about your future," Future Addie Jo practically snapped her fingers in her past self's face.

"Maybe I will," Addie Jo said.

"Good."

"Fine."

"Change your mind."

"I just might."

"No, seriously, change your mind. NASA shuts down your senior year of college and the graduate programs in astrophysics are some of the most competitive in the country. You'll live on chicken Ramen and peanut butter and jelly."

"Ah no! I hate the chicken kind!"

And with that fateful statement, Future Addie Jo started to fade from existence, swept away by the changing mind of a child. All the attention was turned to Future Isaac, who had confusingly in place.

"Why don't you disappear too? If I'm not going to build a time machine, you can't come back," Addie Jo said definitively.

"You must not have changed your mind all the way. See, look, you're fading in and out," Future Isaac replied. He and Isaac paused to watch as Future Addie Jo, hands on hips and glaring eyes, flickered in and out of existence while her past self changed her mind.

"But I built a time machine!" she said in protest. Finally, the flickering stopped.

"Oh, crap," said Future Isaac. "Quick, remind yourself that you need to charge your cell phone so you can go to Pancho's," he implored his past self.

"Charge your cell phone so you can go to Pancho's," Isaac reminded himself confusedly. Future Isaac laughed and then faded determinedly away.

"I don't even like Mexican food," Addie Jo said to Isaac as they stood up to start cleaning up the papers that had inexplicably flown around the room. "Apparently you don't like chicken Ramen either," Isaac commented. "It's just so salty," Addie Jo contended.

"So what are you going to do with your life now?" Isaac asked Addie Jo as they turned to leave the papers in a pile on their way out to the student parking lot.

"I dunno. I always wanted to be a photographer..." Engrossed in their conversation, the two friends headed out into the spring humidity, both failing to notice the photograph that fluttered down from an untraceable height. Their distraction was probably all for the best- no good discovering an iconic image fifteen years before it was taken.

Sparrows and Pennies

I have such wonderful people in my life and am so many kinds of happy, I'm not entirely sure I can think straight. So some random thoughts from me to you.



The soul is healed by being with children.- Fyodor Dostoevsky
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So there's this episode of Doctor Who with the new Doctor and he's trying to get Amy to decide whether she really wants to travel with him or whether she wants to be with Rory (which she really does, goodness knows why). They flip back and forth between these two different realities and she finally realizes that she wants to be where Rory is when he dies in one of the realities. I have decided that I need this for my life.
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I forgot what I was missing.
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Notre Dame de Paris. Mon Dieu.

Pour tous les hosannas et tous les alleluias
Mais celle que je prefere
Parmi toutes ces femmes de fer
Ce sont les trois Maries
Qui sont mes meilleures amies
Il y a la petite Marie
Pour les enfants qu'on met en terre
Il y a la grande Marie
Pour les marins qui partent en mer
Mais quand je sonne la grosse Marie
Pour les amants qui se marient
C'est pas que j'ai le cœur à rire
Je l'aurais plutôt à mourir
De les voir si joyeux
De les voir si heureux
Moi qu'aucune femme ne regardera jamais dans les yeux
De les voir convoler
De les voir s'envoler
Au milieu des étoiles sous la voûte des cieux
Toutes les cloches que je sonne
Kyrie Eleison
Hosanna alleluia dies irae dies illa
Toutes ces cloches de malheur
Toutes ces cloches de bonheur
Toutes ces cloches qui n'ont jamais encore sonné pour moi

I'll love you, Quasimodo. Ah mon coeur!
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My first camper ever is going to be an eighth grader. I'm so old.
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Text from me to Sarah: "A middle aged man just rode his shopping cart down the parking lot in front of me. His wife with their baby in a stroller just followed and laughed."
From Sarah to me: "Yes! There is hope for humanity!"
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You spoke to me! I'm delighted.
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The bishop in Les Mis is my favorite Victor Hugo character. I want to be him. Also, Victor Hugo? Wonderful. Next on my reading list is Notre Dame de Paris, which is the real life version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, which is not like the Disney movie. I'll ruin it for you- Phoebus is a jerk. Jerk jerk jerk jerk jerk. Also, his name is much more amusing in French.
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Why, yes, I am a BA. It says so on my ring. Also a ninja. With feet of steel.
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And a fairy lightsaber. Dollar store victory!

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I'm finding everything I'll ever need by giving up being everything.
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See, I just needed you to be awesome so I can remember how unimportant I am.
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No, really, my pride is going to be the death of me. It's a stubborn little sucker, I'll give it that.
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"And our heart is restless until it rests in You."
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Fireflies: inside jokes that somehow still delight my soul. Also, the favorite pet of children of all ages.
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Eustace and the dragon is my favorite story in the Chronicles of Narnia, closely followed by Edmund's role in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. I like redemption stories.
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"'In our world,' said Eustace, 'a star is a huge ball of flaming gas.'
'Even in your world, my son, that is not what a star is but only what it is made of.'"
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Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters has to be better than the real thing. I swear, if someone doesn't propose to Elinor soon, I'm going to put the book down. And if the Colonel doesn't marry Elinor, I am no judge of Jane Austen's plot lines. (*Note- I am no judge of Jane Austen's plot lines.*)
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I have wonderful friends. You know who you are.
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I have wonderful parents. On Facebook, my dad posts on my mom's wall (she's taking an education class):
Not doing too much homework tonight while on facebook, now are we ???
Comment by my mother: No just had to check it out before bed. Are you coming?
Comment by my father: watching tv. be there soon

Presh!
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My two rules that I contributed to camp today:
5. Be Awesome.
9. Love God.

I think I have a new motto.
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Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. (Matthew 10:29)

Nauseous

Did you know that most of us use the word nauseous wrong? Nauseous is actually an adjective. The word you should use when trying to say that you feel sick is nauseated. So, when an EMT asks you why you puked all over the ground, you can say that you felt nauseated. And then you can talk about how nauseous (having the quality of making someone nauseated) this distinction is. Hopefully the hypothetical EMT is sympathetic and not bad looking and that will make this a winning situation.

I learned this from someone who also was adamant that a lot was two words, not one as is common use in the world today. I made the comment that other things had changed over time and become acceptable as words in the English language simply because of their common use. Like Klingon. Or ain't. Which is in the dictionary. This person did not approve of this attitude toward grammar or language development; clearly, she was a prescriptive grammarian. In her eyes, things should not become acceptable over time.

Alot shouldn't be added in the dictionary, she said. It would be making something that was intrinsically wrong socially correct. It's like saying that one day homosexuality will be right, because it will have become socially acceptable.

At this point in time, my politeness and my wit failed me. She sat turned around backwards in the bus seat as we pulled into the church and smiled at me, like this was a point that clearly we all agreed on. I sat there for a few long seconds and then said, "Your reasoning is absolutely right."

It's a good thing God didn't write the dictionary. We'd have a whole lot more people unfairly banned from churches and ordination than we do today.

Noboy Puts Baby in a Corner

Sometimes I think the writers for movies are really just nerdy girls giving the rest of us hope.

Like in Dirty Dancing. Baby gets into the staff after-hours dance following this guy who's carrying watermelons. Then Patrick Swayze comes over and asks what she's doing there and the guy who let her in says that she's with him and she says, "I carried a watermelon."

"I carried a watermelon"? Really?

This is precisely the thing I would say in a situation like that, having just carried a watermelon into an entirely foreign circumstances only to be confronted by my current love interest. It's truthful and a conversation piece... I'm sure there's some question that you can ask about carrying a watermelon to make a conversation go. It' also rather awkward (as is carrying a watermelon, I might add- they're huge and there's no good way to get your arms around them and they slosh- ugh) and nobody really knows what to say to it, especially the love interest. So they walk away and you're left to yourself repeating what you just said.

Like telling someone their faces matches the polka dotted flip flops. What am I saying? At least I can laugh about that one.

I remember every time I misspeak. Does anyone else do that? I will go over a conversation or a sentence over and over again in my brain, feeling the same shame and embarrassment that I felt the first time I said it. This is a problem because there are many, many times when I say the wrong thing. Really, if I get on a run, I can spend a good three to four hours just reliving the moments when I made an idiot of myself. We were talking about that this past year, how it's not healthy to be doing that all the time. And it's not. It's kinda compulsive. I'm working on it.

I talk a lot. I like to hear myself talk (which is partially false because I hate my voice and I really wonder why anyone lets me talk around them because I would tell me to shut up to stop my ears from bleeding). I talk too fast and I speed up around my friends, especially friends I haven't seen in a while. I mix up words and I say things wrong and I'll forget words (like paper; who forgets the word for paper?) and I say things I'm not supposed to and I surprise people.

Guilty secret time- I didn't used to be like this. I mean, maybe my parents will contradict me, but I remember elementary school and I remember not talking a lot. I was a beast at the quiet game. And I think about how shut up I was and how much reading I used to do and how antisocial I was (yeah, you think I'm antisocial now? This is a massive improvement) and I think that I could go back to that. Here's the confession part- that is one of three things that's guaranteed to make me cry. The other one is clearly when Littlefoot's mother dies in Land Before Time- you're a robot if you don't tear up at that.

At the same time, you never say something dumb if you don't talk. That's generally my approach to boys- I'll be there and if they want to talk to me, they can come talk to me and I'll cross my fingers and hope to die that I don't say something idiotic. And the responses are usually sarcasm laden and then I stand in a corner wondering why no one likes me. I'm like Beatrice in Much Ado About Nothing, except the prince asks if she would have him and she says no and ends up with Benedick. What the crap? Go for the prince, girl. Especially in that version when Denzel Washington is the prince and Keanu Reeves is the illegitimate son- that's a great one. "Love may transform me to an oyster."

I dunno, I just get sick of watching love stories, like I'm sure athletes would get sick of watching hours of tape if they didn't get to go play the game some time in the near future. But love stories give us unrealistic ideas of what relationships are (thank you, [500] Days of Summer) and fairy tales give us these unrealistic hopes and you think it happens for everyone and love conquers all (fifty percent of the time). I mean, should you go looking for it? Should you wait for it to find you? Because I'm convinced my Prince Charming fell off a cliff- if he's still coming, he's slightly deformed at best.

So I guess this was pretty pointless. I just wanted to let the world know that I'm in the same predicament I've been in for the longest time and to share a theory about movies (I'm telling you, they're giving us unrealistic hopes!). And to let you know that I miss you too. But I know you're never missing me.

Some Nobelity

"There are such helpers in the world, who rush to save
anyone who cries out. Like Mercy itself,
they run towards the screaming.

And they can't be bought off.
If you were to ask one of those, "Why did you come
so quickly?" he or she would say, "Because I heard
your helplessness."
-Rumi

A human being divested of all dignity, a human being deprived of human rights, a human being gripped by starvation, a human being beaten by famine, war and illness, a humiliated human being and a plundered human being is not in any position or state to recover the rights he or she has lost. -Shirin Ebadi

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For as long as space endures
And for as long as living beings remain,
Until then may I too abide
To dispel the misery of the world.
-Shantideva

I pray for all of us, oppressor and friend, that together we succeed in building a better world through human understanding and love, and that in doing so we may reduce the pain and suffering of all sentient beings. -The 14th Dalai Lama

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It sounds like a dream of a remote and unknown future; but life is not worth living without a dream and without working to make the dream reality.- 1964 Nobel Peace Prize Presentation Speech

Sooner or later all the people of the world will have to discover a way to live together in peace, and thereby transform this pending cosmic elegy into a creative psalm of brotherhood. If this is to be achieved, man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love. -Martin Luther King, Jr

Crossflame Tour Days 4, 5, & 6: The Song Goes On

Well, this is a new feeling for me. There haven't been many times in my life when I am not happy with where I am, but as I type this, the rest of the choir is performing a youth rally for the Salvation Army, where we were this morning. Apparently Ed "Too Tall" Jones is speaking. I guess people who knew him as a defensive end for the Cowboys would be disappointed that when Ron announced that everyone said, "The guy from the Geico commericals?!" You should all meet Morgan- she does a great impression of that commercial. I had an online class that I had to be at my computer for and I'm missing the last concert of the tour, other than Sunday's, at both services. But the last concert of tour is always special and I wish everyone could see that. It's generally my God-moment for the tour, even the last concert my senior year when we sang to an auditorium empty except for a janitor.

Dear parents, I know you're concerned, but believe you me, your children are fine. In fact, your children are wonderful. Do you know what they've done over the past two days? They sang at a children's hospital in Memphis (Le Bonheur) and gave out bears (check out Amber-Drew's note on the subject) and showed what wonderful and caring people they are. That was after Tuesday, when we sang at a chapel service, visited Nashville and drove to Jackson (and ate tons of food... and saw all the competitors in the Miss Tennessee pageant; the guys were happy) and after a morning visiting the Mississippi River. It was also on the fifth day of tour, a time when most definitely everyone's tired (though how can that be, because I'm sure all the little dears stayed quietly asleep in their beds after lights out?) and their is a 90% chance of irritability. Your kids have got heart and they shared it with people in need of some extra love and light in their lives. After all, who couldn't be happy after seeing Spencer and Brantley climb into the children's play place and rock the play time with a three year old?

After an afternoon in Memphis, your kids showed some stamina and some sociability by singing at Lambuth United Methodist Church in Jackson with some more awesome food (I have never eaten this much on a tour. NEVER.) and a youth group that was excited to see us. They're small but mighty- they had about nine of their eleven kids there that night, sitting at tables among the sea of lime green and making new friends. They came up for the last two numbers and stayed around and played basketball and other kinds of imaginary ball games while the youth praise band played songs. We danced, we sang along, we played and a good time was had by all. Then some of the kids from the youth group came along to our devotion time and your kids didn't mind standing up in front of people they had just met to share what God had been doing in their lives. Most talked about going to the children's hospital (listen to their stories- they'll be better than mine), but some talked about the goodness that people can show and the things that touched them. I've got a tremendous amount of respect for this group of kids. Yes, they complain. Yes, they whine. Yes, they're never on time and yes, they don't actually have all the parts of all the songs memorized. And they're kids- sometimes they're mean, sometimes they're fake, sometimes they won't let you help and sometimes their disrespect will drive you up a wall and sideways. But they amaze me more than they complain, I'm getting a great patience work-out, apparently they smile when they sing and they do wonderful things. Your life isn't going to be measured with a balance when you die, with your good deeds on one side and your bad actions on another, but if that's what happened, then these kids would be weighted towards one side.

Today, we went to the Salvation Army. We meant to leave at 8 in the morning and most of the kids were awake for that in their eye-popping green. We got there in a semi-timely fashion. We split into groups and rotated around, helping out with their vacation bible school, painting and cleaning doors, sorting food and sorting clothes. Some people worked on computers with Bobby (that's a mystical group whose purpose I have yet to determine) and some girls worked on a mural. It is the best. Please go look at Amber-Drew's picture of it and be proud of what your daughters have done. My day at the Salvation Army ended with a partially assembled desk (in my defense, the multiple languages confused me and it only mentioned once that you should put the fronts of the drawers on first) but it's not going to stay that way- I'm sure someone in the group gave up a bit of their dinner to finish it and finish it right because that's the kind of people we have here.

So I'm continuing to blind myself with the reflected light of this superbly bright t-shirt that I'm wearing in solidarity with the people I'm missing right now. The chaperons have said again and again that these kids are our God-moments for the trip. Ron's been having to make the kids go first, but like one of the chaperons said, maybe they don't see the God-moments because they are the God-moments. Through crazy schedule changes (we're flexible) and long days, they've been wonderful human beings around each other. This trip is supposed to be about them (and God- why does it always sound tacky to put God first?) and through themselves, they've flipped it on us.

Wherever we go next year, I can't yet think of a better group of people to be going with. Ron always says that we're building on the reputation of the choirs on the past. We have had some awesome choirs of the past. And we've had choirs of a slightly lesser degree of awesome. Now, this group isn't the group that I grew up wanting to be (yeah, yeah, laugh at the youth-choir nerd who was super impressed when she was in kid's choir) and it's much different from the two-bus filling, orange shirt wearing choir that came here last. But that's because they're their own kind of wonderful. And they're still singing the same song. And it's about God.

Lift every voice and sing,
Let every word you say take wing,
God's power within your heart
Will open Heaven's Gate.

Lift every hand in praise,
Seek out the light that shines above,
God's power within your soul,
Will open Heaven's Door.

Crossflame Tour Day Three: A Story Which Will Be Continued

Hey all. Profundity escapes me at the moment, having been driven out of my head by a wonderful bus ride home and the hilarity that ensued. So just a quick life story update- we were up early again for breakfast and visited The Upper Room in the morning. There was good art and a beautiful chapel. We headed back over to Scarritt-Bennett to listen to the director of the retreat center talk some about the history of the retreat center and some about liturgical art. So, needless to say, the morning was some people's cup of tea and some people were begging for a soda, but a relatively good time was had by all, I think.

After lunch we had a rehearsal in the Wightman Chapel here. Google it. It's awesome. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. spoke here and to me it's amazing to be in the same place as someone who helped so much. We had a good rehearsal, learned how to sway, taught Heaven's Gate to some peeps in the choir, and then headed off to a retirement center to sing for them. The band played well and, as Ron said, it wasn't a bad first time out for the choir either. George Hamilton IV came and sang with us (he's the one who invited us to sing at the Opry show) and sang to us. Bob Dylan ftw- We were on the receiving end of a wonderful rendition of Forever Young.

Then dinner, then a bus ride and then home. OK, I made it through most of the day. I reserve the right to retell the God-moments when I'm feeling a little less snarky, so tomorrow morning after a great breakfast at Panera, and before we leave the free internets, I promise a better update. Also, we're singing for a chapel service here before we peace tomorrow afternoon, so send up some prayers that we'll continue to be a blessing to those around us and that we are in turn blessed by the awesome experiences that are being placed into our lives. Check out Ms. Foster's videos and pictures, they're quite wonderful (Sorry, AD, it's totally Ron's fault). Safe journeys!

Crossflame Choir 2010 Tour Day Two: Blackbirds

Today we spent the day at TPAC, the Tennessee Performing Arts Center, getting ready for and performing at the Grand Ole Opry Show, Sunday Morning Country (singin' for the Lord!- if your child comes back singing this, you'll know where it came from; Hannah's getting really good at it, as is Tad). We, amazingly, all got up for a super-awesome breakfast (they had grits! I love not leaving the south for tour!) and made our way onto the bus and over to the stage. On the way, we passed a car whose windows read "I'm going to see Taylor Swift!" And even though that wasn't the last time that name was mentioned today, it's the last time I'm going to say it. Oh. My. Lanta.

We shared a dressing room (the guys had one and the girls had another) with the members of the adult choir who was singing with the other performers, some of whom were tickled pink to see us in our bright green shirts. The last time we were here we had fluorescent orange shirts. I don't know which highlighter company we're trying to outdo, but at least we're recognizable. We sat in the audience and listened to many of the artists singing (see Amber-Drew's pictures for names and faces) and doing sound checks, which sounds lamer than it was. The artists ran through the songs and knew their stuff and the house band was pretty great (harmonica! Also, I've decided that Eli has to grow a mullet because the fiddle player in the house band had one), so we got a pre-concert for just us.

We ran out to lunch and came back sweating (ridiculous heat) and then it was time. We sat in the balcony for the first part of the show before intermission. Ron keeps on saying all this stuff about really carrying the message through your song, because anyone can be taught to sing pretty decently. What makes someone worth listening to is the way they tell the story and whether you can see God in it. I'll be the first to tell you that country music is not my scene, but I couldn't help being glued to the stage because there were stories to be told.

Intermission came and we headed down and spent a ton of time backstage. We lined up in our rows and proceeded to wait. And wait. And wait. The lady who played the banjo came over and talked to us and a couple people from the choir sat near us for a bit of it. Mostly, we were all trying to pump each other up and make each other smile and laugh so we could live up to the expectations. It was pretty much the best. We sang along to I Saw The Light while we were back there, and danced around, all the while trying to be quiet and holding in silent laughter. Then, with nervousness and without, we walked onto the stage and up on the risers (walk, turn, step up, close, step up, close, step up, close, turn). Apparently the joking and the preparation worked: we've heard all lot of good things from a lot of people about our performance. One of the chaperons was even complimented on our performance from a car window by people that had heard us and identified her (it's not hard) from our shirts. We stayed backstage after we performed much more relieved. All in all, not bad for the first performance of tour.

We came back and ate dinner and had a devotion. One the way back from dinner me and Hannah and Elizabeth passed a bunch of blackbirds getting their last meal of the day and it made me smile. God moments for the day from the group: We've heard from a group member that we're all bonding pretty well this trip, which is a wonderful blessing in itself. I had two-ish. One, when we were waiting to get our backstage passes (we're all VIPs- yup, we're that awesome) a group of people came through carrying things for the performance. We asked if they needed help and two of our group members helped them carry in crates of water. It doesn't sound like much, but it was great how trusting everyone was, our group members in offering help and them in accepting it. Also, waiting on our sound check, I overheard two of the sound guys talking about how great it was to work with this group of people- you get more pats on the back and more thank yous than you do working everywhere else. In a culture that increasingly views Christians negatively, it was wonderful to see something good happen between us all.

So, to sum up: We came, we saw, we sang. Third God-moment for me- so we kinda sucked it up on the sound check. We were just shaky on the words and when to come in and everything, so I was more than a bit worried when we walked back into the audience while the musicians stayed on stage. At Catie's behest, I got the group's attention and went over the words again. Catie said that we should sing it, which didn't seem like a bad idea to me. Amber-Drew gave us a starting pitch and I launched into what I was sure would be a failing endeavor. Then, somehow, everyone knew their words and sounded good. The tenors broke out some harmony and I heard an alto voice or two. It was wonderful, unplanned and beautiful. It was the choir I've been waiting to hear.

Like I said, country music isn't my scene- this post owes its name to the Beatles.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
All your life,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Crossflame Tour 2010 Day One: Fireflies

Welcome to the first day of Crossflame Choir Tour! The tour theme: “Lord, You Are the Music, We Are Your Song”. Trying to think like an instrument is kinda a fail at the moment. Really, can you imagine being a flute or a guitar or a bassoon? Or a drum set? That might be the worst. Though we did watch August Rush on the way up/over here (which got cheers from the bus at the end) so we have had some musical thinking going on. As far as choir activities go today, we packed up the bus, had a great send-off from our parents and drove and drove and drove, with a lunch break at J&S and some bathroom/frisbee breaks. Also- learning the lyrics on the bus? Priceless. I'm thinking Amber-Drew got a video of it, so if you're curious, look out for that. We arrived safe in Nashville and are currently living it up at the Scarritt-Bennett Methodist Retreat Center. There was a wedding here tonight and like a billion fireflies. Awesome.

For people who are new to Crossflame, we try to keep track of our God-moments during the day. God-moments are times when we notice God in the world around us, whether He's visibly working with people or whether we just see something that reminds us of our awesome Creator and His awesome Creation. One of the first examples of the trip occurred on the bus today. We all brought snacks on the bus for the trip. This led to the Great Wheat-thins Crisis of 2010, where an entire box of wheat-thins was dropped into the lap of a choir member. That was the end of the crisis, though, as the choir member, full of grace and kindness, didn't flip out but helped to clean up the mess. Kinda puts your faith back in the goodness of teenage-kind, despite the evils of the cereal game and chin tap (it's so on!).

The second one comes in the form of our beloved bus driver, Doug. He's driven Crossflame tours since the first (except for the Scotland trip- you can't really drive a bus overseas) but he won't be able to be with us this time. Keep him and his wife in your thoughts and prayers- she's had cancer for a while, but they've found a tumor in her brain. They're headed over to Duke on Tuesday to see what needs to be done, so Doug's spending the week there. He drove down to Hickory with Ron this morning and drove us up to Asheville. It's wonderful to see someone care this much about something, and even better to see someone care about something that I happen to have a partiality towards as well.

So today was the road trip, getting us set for tomorrow. We're singing at Grand Old Opry in a show called "Sunday Morning Country." Breakfast is early and the day will be long, but definitely worth it for the experience we'll be having. Spoiler alert- we'll be on TV! But for now, we'll sleep (hopefully) cooled by the air conditioning beating the intense heat and humidity, watching the fireflies flash outside our windows. Or not, you know. I'm going to go patrol a hall or two. Little hooligans.

________________________________________________

"Lord Jesus, I give you my hands to do your work.
I give you my feet to go your way.
I give you my eyes to see as you do.
I give you my tongue to sing your words.
I give you my mind that you may think in me.
I give you my spirit that you may pray in me.

Above all,
I give you my heart that you may love in me,
Your Father, and all humankind.
I give you my whole self that you may grow in me,
So that it is you, Lord Jesus,
Who live and work and pray in me."

- Lancelot Andrews, 17th Century -

I Had the Theme Song for The Office in My Head While I Wrote This (and I can play it on the piano)

So today I went to the church to make copies of the lyrics for the songs for Crossflame tour (expect daily updates over tour- I'm going to hang out with the cool kids who stay up late and do bed checks at 12 [also, apparently I'm lame because I never left my room after the chaperons had gone to bed when I was on tour back in the day...] so I'm going to need something to keep me conscious after a full day of high school drama [so. bad. How did I stand myself when I was a high schooler? How does anyone stand kids who are in high school? Ugh] and other exciting times and I figure keeping up with my weblog is a choice way of doing that) which really entails at least an hour of standing at the copier in the church office and stapling.

My mom is the Childcare Coordinator at my church, so I know pretty much everyone in the office. They're some of my favorite people. I routinely lost everything from shoes to glasses when I was a kid, so I know exactly where the lost and found is and still check it every time I walk into the office. I know where the first aid kit is and I know where the janitor's closet is. In every building. I don't spend a lot of time in the Family Life Center where the kitchen and Fellowship hall are, or the youth building anymore. Really, I spend most of my time at church between the choir room, the sanctuary and the children's building and I normally just run in and out of the office. It was a little weird to just be chilling in there.

I printed up the 14 pages of lyrics and started copying them back to front. I was on page two, I think, when this guy came up with a paper in his hand and just kinda stood in front of the front desk. I smiled and went back to my copier (it was still on copy 27 of 50) and then walked over to the table where I was sorting the copies and picked up one of the books that was there waiting to be picked up for a bible study group. 23 copies later I picked up my original and asked if he needed the copier, since he was looking super expectant and rather impatient, and he said no, thanks. It was superbly civil. A page and a half later, he walked into the secretary's office and dropped off his resume for some position at the church. Darn copier lid. The only thing I heard was, "Are you still taking applications for [slam]?" Not helpful. And I probably could have just asked the secretary since she's probably the most awesome person ever, but I think I'll just do some detective work later.

Next exciting happenstance: One of the ladies in the church came up with the idea of sending handmade dolls to kids in Haiti after the earthquake. They just finished another batch and they're going down with a missionary group tomorrow, I think, so we had a blessing for them today. I was on page six when I got invited to go to the blessing which was being held in the sanctuary. So four of us and one of the pastors walk over to the sanctuary and there are the dolls, lined up on the steps to the chancel, right in front of the altar. They're mostly brown and black, but there's a red one, a yellow one, and, my personal favorite, a purple one with blonde hair. Best. Doll. Ever. There were also a couple with rainbow colored hair and a pair of twins, made by the pastor's wife, right on the front row. Our church likes giving away stuffed things for kids to play with- our youth director makes Build-A-Bears to give to kids in hospitals that we're taking on tour with us this next week. Spreading joy one snuggly face at a time. Or 79 at time. Whichever. So we blessed the dolls and prayed them a safe journey and I walked back over to the office.

One of the real chaperones for tour came in to get a form notarized and I failingly pitched my idea of getting reusable water bottles for the kids in choir so we could save the environment from the tons of plastic water bottles that we're going to drink over the next week (most of which aren't even going to be empty by the time they're thrown away... Chapel Hill has given me a recycling eye twitch). Hydration is important. So is having a planet for my epic and awesome grandkids. (I know they're going to be awesome. Hello. They're my grandkids) Anyway. I got all the pages copied and was working on stapling them together (maybe about 20 out of the 50) when Sunshine came in.

Thursday, and I always forget this, is Christian Aid day at the church. People bring in whatever they need help with and we see what we can do. I hate being the object of someone's generosity, but one day I'm going to grow a soul and I'm going to treat everyone like a normal person and not look at my feet when I walk down the hall past people who have the sense to ask for help when they need it. Anyway, Sunshine, who is a recently-hired waitress at IHOP (and now I can never tell my IHOP joke again... darn) is having some medical problems so she asked us to pray for her. One of our pastors was on his way out (annual conference is this weekend- party at Lake Junaluska! Goodness, I love my conference) but he stopped and pulled everyone in the office together in a circle to pray for Sunshine. She stayed and talked a little more with us after the prayer and said that her goal was to put some more positive back in the world, since there's so much negative out there. That is one of my problems. I can totally see the negative, but I never put any positive back in. So I'll be praying for Sunshine.

And Pastor Bill walked in to pick up something he had printed out earlier and his wife talked to the lady at the front desk while other conversations went on and I hummed the tunes to the lyrics I was looking at over and over again. It was a chill, sociable moment where I rehearsed again the back from college speech: "Oh, school's great, it's out for the semester!"; or "Yeah, it's nice to be home and take a break from classes. I'm a physics major, you know." "Oh, really? Wow." and small talk about physics; or "Yeah, I'm at Carolina. Oh, your son/daughter went there? Small world! I love it!" Those are the main variations. I avoid the "what are you going to do with that?" question like the plague. Free advice from one pastor: Go work for a while. Get out in the real world, see some things, do some things. You'll be better off for it. The plot thickens. And then people left to head out to the conference and I stopped humming because there wasn't anybody to cover up my voice.

I finished the copies and decided that the nicer thing to do would be to put them in the choir room because 1) we wouldn't leave them if I put them in an already packed crate and 2) I don't think they'd actually fit in the choir director's box in the office. So I borrowed keys (one of the goals of my life is make it so that the doors of a church don't have to be locked. Really? It's a church. Are you trying to keep Jesus out or in? I'm thinking locked cabinets for sound/ AV equipment and a locked closet for musical things that don't need to be stolen. Like pastor's offices and the sacristy, OK, sure, lock that mess up when no one's around, but I think we'd be OK if someone stole a pew bible. Geeze. *looks guilty but feels much better*) and I walked over to the choir room. Two cool points for Ron- he already has the sheet music packed up. So I put the lyrics in the sheet music crate and decided to cut back through the sanctuary to return the keys and get back to my bag.

Now, the sanctuary we have now is not the old sanctuary, it's the new sanctuary. The old sanctuary had the ugliest green carpet you've seen in your life, no middle aisle and these awesome stained glass windows. I loved it. I'm getting to love the new one, but I honestly probably liked it better when it was under construction and me and my little brother could go play around in it when we were supposed to be in big church... oops. Anyway, the new sanctuary is super super tall, with this ginormous cross up behind the choir back behind the chancel and this large dove stained glass window up above the balcony that only the choir and the pastors get to see on a Sunday morning. Why do you think I'm in the choir? Lord knows I can't sing and they don't need a flute/french horn player every Sunday.

I walked around the chancel and came to the first pew and leaned up against the little wall we have between the congregation and the rest of the church and looked up at the ginormous cross. Now, some people see God in nature, some in the stars, some in the faces of other people. I see God in buildings. Corners of buildings, actually. High corners of buildings, so I love me some cathedrals. I can't explain it, I don't know why, so don't ask me. It's not like God isn't in the other things, it's just that if you asked me what God looked like, I wouldn't say a sunset, I would say the ceiling of the cathedral in Dunblane. Anyway, me and God haven't been particularly tight because all I can ever think to pray about is what I'm going to do with my life and that's a touchy subject, so I really just end up walking away angrily. So I'm looking up at the cross and I notice that there's this little gap of white wall between where the brown behind the cross starts and the ceiling. I guess all that houses the pipes of the organ because the bigger, more impressive pipes are up by the cross and you can kinda see through it. They won't let me up there. Anyway, I found God and started talking about my future, but it quickly transitioned to Crossflame. I was pleasantly surprised.

And then it kinda hit me that the reason that I couldn't pray about anything other than my future is because I hadn't been caring enough about anything else to pray for it. Since November. It's amazing how God's got your back even when you're one of the bigger jerks in recent history. Sometimes, I don't think you need to pray for God's blessings, because He's already given it. Then sometimes I think that you should probably ask anyway.

And it's kinda crazy how the things that are driving you insane are the things that stop you from being insane. It's going to be a great tour.

Milk

From How I Met Your Mother:

[Lily admits to Ted about the arts program and how it could derail her and Marshall's wedding]
Lily: There are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it is a mistake is to make that mistake and look back and say, "Yup, that was a mistake". So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you'll go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not. And damn it, I made no mistakes. I've done all of this: my life, my relationship, my career mistakes-free. Does any of this make sense to you ?
Ted: I don't know, you said 'mistake' a lot.

Warning: Politically Sensitive Material

So sue me. I think that Gaza should be free and that it is an injustice to remove people from their homes and put someone there in their place, no matter what the politics are. I believe that peaceful solutions should be tried before any military action is taken and that countries shouldn't start a war for purely national gain. I support our troops. I think women should be allowed to choose and I think that murder, all murder, is wrong. I believe in second chances, but I also believe that you have to earn your second chance. I believe that every person on earth has value because they are a human being. I believe that you can't own a human being, you can't pay for a human being and that you have no right to make anyone feel like they are worth less than anyone else. I don't know about money and market systems, but I know we, as Americans, have a lot (and a lot of debt) and that we don't all share. I know that we waste and I think that we should all recycle, we should all drink out of reusable water bottles, we should pass lighting ordinances to save money and save the stars, and I know that we have to find and use something other than oil to make our world go round. I'm not a vegetarian, I think the drinking age should be lowered to 18 at least, and that you should support the arts.

I don't know what values America was founded on- life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness? Equality (of white male property holders)? Freedom? I watched a video bringing that to my attention, and I have to admit, I don't have a canonical answer for what America stands for. The speaker referenced this speech by Lincoln and I'm going to re-post that version because it is worth reading. I agree with our 16th president: "It is not 'can any of us imagine better?' but, 'can we all do better?'"


Annual Message to Congress --
Concluding Remarks
Washington, D.C.
December 1, 1862

One month before signing the Emancipation Proclamation, President Lincoln sent a long message to Congress which was largely routine, but also proposed controversial measures such as voluntary colonization of slaves and compensated emancipation.

Lincoln devoted so much attention to preparing the message that his friend David Davis said, "Mr. Lincoln's whole soul is absorbed in his plan of remunerative emancipation." The concluding paragraphs shown below demonstrate Lincoln's passion for this plan and contain some of the most famous statements he ever wrote. Composer Aaron Copeland used excerpts in his evocative "Lincoln Portrait."

I do not forget the gravity which should characterize a paper addressed to the Congress of the nation by the Chief Magistrate of the nation. Nor do I forget that some of you are my seniors, nor that many of you have more experience than I, in the conduct of public affairs. Yet I trust that in view of the great responsibility resting upon me, you will perceive no want of respect yourselves, in any undue earnestness I may seem to display.

Is it doubted, then, that the plan I propose, if adopted, would shorten the war, and thus lessen its expenditure of money and of blood? Is it doubted that it would restore the national authority and national prosperity, and perpetuate both indefinitely? Is it doubted that we here--Congress and Executive--can secure its adoption? Will not the good people respond to a united, and earnest appeal from us? Can we, can they, by any other means, so certainly, or so speedily, assure these vital objects? We can succeed only by concert. It is not "can any of us imagine better?" but, "can we all do better?" The dogmas of the quiet past, are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty, and we must rise -- with the occasion. As our case is new, so we must think anew, and act anew. We must disenthrall ourselves, and then we shall save our country.

Fellow-citizens, we cannot escape history. We of this Congress and this administration, will be remembered in spite of ourselves. No personal significance, or insignificance, can spare one or another of us. The fiery trial through which we pass, will light us down, in honor or dishonor, to the latest generation. We say we are for the Union. The world will not forget that we say this. We know how to save the Union. The world knows we do know how to save it. We -- even we here -- hold the power, and bear the responsibility. In giving freedom to the slave, we assure freedom to the free -- honorable alike in what we give, and what we preserve. We shall nobly save, or meanly lose, the last best hope of earth. Other means may succeed; this could not fail. The way is plain, peaceful, generous, just -- a way which, if followed, the world will forever applaud, and God must forever bless.

My Brain is the Tree

I have troubling giving up on things.

I mean, obviously, since ballet probably wasn't going to work out for the fat kid with bad ankles and incurable clumsiness, but I kept at it for 13 years. And swim team. You can only be the slowest kid for so long... apparently every summer until I got a job and all through high school. And the fact that I can't sing hasn't make me quit being in a choir... or the fact that I graduated three summers ago. I only kept going in band because I couldn't quit, though that was a good life choice, I think. And even now, I'm happy with this odd half summer sharing between Chapel Hill and home because it enables me to, in effect, not quit either place.

But you can't serve two masters. Either you'll love the first and hate the second or be devoted to the second and despise the first. You can't serve God... and money. (Oh, money! End extended Godspell paraphrase) This extends to other things, but not, I think, to serving God and serving people. I think that serving people is probably the closest you can get to serving God while living. I dunno, why don't people help each other out more? Why do churches need to organize days of service or reach-out days to get their members involved in the community? They're great events and I'm extraordinarily happy that we do them, but when you join the Methodist church, you promise to be involved in the church using your prayers, your presence, your gifts and your service (and your witness, but we don't have any new hymnals at my church, so no one says that part). And Jesus said, famously, to love one another and they'll know you by your love and what is love but service, but helping people? If we were meant to live in isolation, there'd be a lot more caves. And we'd all have epic night vision like I do from working at the planetarium because we all would have stayed hidden for far too long. Though it would be helpful, if you needed to get across a dark room with tons of seats. Anyway.

My point is, I think you're most faithful when you're serving. If that's donating food to a food bank, if that's going on a mission trip, if that's helping fund a mission trip, if it's helping someone clean up their yard, if it's helping a child learn, if it's being encouraging to others, if it's cooking a meal, if it's just holding the door for someone, you're best when you're helping. You're next best when you're thinking of ways to help, though I'm sure right now, BP would be most happy if someone thought up a way to help and did it for them. If we built a large wooden badger...

So I find it hard to reconcile going to school for another three years after next year when I can be out helping people. I know I can do good while I'm at seminary, wherever I'm at, but I don't know if I can make myself. Honestly, I live a very self-centered student life. Don't have a life crisis before an exam of mine, I'm probably going to choose the exam. Don't expect me to be cheerful or helpful after I've gotten a bad exam or a bad paper back either, that's my life that's just been screwed up, thanks very much. I know you need money, but I need this for coffee, it's very important that I be alert when I'm studying. Oh, I would be sorry for that mean look I just shot you across the bus, it's just that I'm trying to study right now, you know, since I'm a student, and I really can't take your loud conversation or your child's noise or the disturbance you just caused by taking too much time getting all your things on the bus by yourself. And clearly, since I'm a poor college student, I'm much more worthy of people's sympathy and lack of expectations. It's a nice life. Not in the real world, but not with your parents and nobody expects anything from you, yet.

So, someone tell me that grad school isn't like that, that you get a job to help pay for it and you're working for something and, even though most grad students I meet are pretentious and self-absorbed, they're not really because they're just trying to be the best they can be so they can get their next degree so they can start contributing more productively to society. Because I'm kinda tired of being one of the privileged few. It's wonderful to be blessed, but don't blessings come with the fine print that you should share them? You know, going to Carolina just happened for me. Everything worked out and everything that has been best for me has just fallen into place. I haven't ever gotten anything on my own that turned out to be just the right thing for me. It makes me hesitant to go looking for something that I want to do with the rest of my life.

Like go to seminary and get a position at a church. I think I'd love that. There are tons of resources in a United Methodist church- we've got different committees for missionary work, for relief efforts wherever they're needed, for people who are here and people who are far, and if the church doesn't have it, I bet we don't have to look super far to try to find someone who can help whatever situation we're looking at. And a church has a congregation full of people. I have this delusion that if people just hear about a wrong or an injustice, that they'd just jump on getting that fixed. I mean, you wouldn't let the air conditioning in the sanctuary go out for a service on a Sunday morning in the summer. Why on earth would you let a child go hungry? So, being able to lead a group of people to do good things in the world, all the while having the opportunity to help them learn about God and develop a faith that will be fulfilling and give them access to music and literature that'll be inspiring and encouraging, and enabling fellowship that'll help us all get along, I can't think of many better things. You can support things globally, you can speak out against injustice everywhere, you can work out ways to help fix the world, and you can fix the community you're in. It's this great mix of near and far, of caring for all. I'd love to be a pastor. Plus, after a while, you get to make people listen to you for at least twelve minutes on a Sunday before they all start looking at their watches. That was meant to be a joke. See, lame jokes! I'm already set!

Listen, please don't respond to me by telling me that it's all going to be roses and happiness. I know that it's tough. I know that I'm going to have to work on taking criticism... because it really seems like 78% of a pastor's life is taking criticism from a never-happy congregation. And I know (sigh of angst) that people aren't going to want to save the world today. They're going to want to save their souls, give their kids a couple of good extracurriculars, eat decent food and listen to at least an OK choir or praise band. They're not really even that intense about the choir. And I shouldn't knock church people like that- some of them, maybe most of them, have a heart for making the world a better place because God put it in them. We just forget, you know? There are so many things here to deaden the sounds that are coming down from heaven, sounds that give us hope and love and tell us that we can't possibly keep the goodness to ourselves. So we take our goodness, because we want to hear that bit, and we keep it. And I can't depend on the judgment of an admissions board on whether I can trust myself enough to give my goodness away.

Plus, I have this teaching thing, which comes back to the beginning of this post. I have trouble giving up on things and one of the best academic mentors I've had has been Dr. Churukian, who's in charge of the physics part of the UNC-BEST program. I'm going to have taken these education classes and I'm student teaching in the spring. I'll be certified to be a physics (and hopefully math) teacher. Dr. Churukian thinks that I'd be a great physics teacher. And you get to care about people when you're a teacher- it's your job to care about the students. And teach them physics. With a lot of astronomy snuck in. (Also, fun factoid, sneaked is the past tense of sneak, not snuck, though that is not going to deter me from using it- let's change the dictionary, people!) And Teach For America is a viable option, if I got in- they send you for two years (see, two years and I'm out in the real world and doing things and the United Methodist church isn't going to come crashing to the ground in two years... I hope...) to schools that could use teachers willing to fight the education gap. It would be out of my comfort zone and I'd be helping and living and making the world a better place and using my college degree. And not disappointing anyone. It's a great compromise, right? Right?

So here comes the begging for advice section of my blog/Facebook notes. What should I do? Because I want more- I want more out of life than what I have out of it so far (maybe that'll fill the big aching gap that this idiotic loneliness causes [oops, ending awkward personal confessional moment now]) and I want to be more. I can help. We can help. It just depends on where I should go to help. So, would you go along with your calling, because it seems like everything you want, or should you try to strike a new trail for a bit, knowing (read hoping) that you'll go back to the call before the end of it all? I can't lock myself away in a tower for three years.

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Pollyanna Whittier: [after Jimmy Bean jumps out of the tree and scares her] Why don't you come out of the front door like normal people?
Jimmy Bean: They won't let us. I can come out anytime I want with my tree.
Pollyanna Whittier: You could also fall and hurt yourself badly. You shouldn't play in trees.
Jimmy Bean: That's stupid. Don't you believe in God?
Pollyanna Whittier: [offended] Of course I do! But what's that got to do with it?
Jimmy Bean: He grew it there, didn't He? So I can climb it anytime I want.
Pollyanna Whittier: You're much too young to go around discussing things you don't know anything about.
[coolly walks away]
Jimmy Bean: [chasing after her] He did too! Why else would it be there?
Pollyanna Whittier: Shows you're very juvenile.
Jimmy Bean: You aren't so much, you girl! 'Sides, I'm something you can't be. I'm an orphan.
Pollyanna Whittier: [exaggerated patience] Go away from me, please, little boy.
Jimmy Bean: [mimicking her] Go away from please, little boy!
Pollyanna Whittier: [finally losing her cool] What is it you want?
Jimmy Bean: [suddenly all smiles] I wanna go fishin'! You wanna come along?