Dear Hopes and Dreams

Dear Hopes and Dreams,

I'm going to need you to be more realistic. I mean, I know we're going to Europe and that's awesome and a great triumph for us, but you have to realize that Europe is the exception to the rule of our life. It worked out through our efforts but it could have just as easily failed and you, friends, would have been crushed.

And I know that you have been crushed by people this year. Be honest- we know that all three of us look better on paper than we do in real life, and we know that our brain lies to us about what we're capable of. It lies about a lot of things, like what people are probably thinking and how we come into that. We've got to take it in stride, though. People are always going to disappoint, to do less than you hoped they would, to forget about their commitments and forget about me and you. They're not going to trust me like you wish they would and honestly, they're not going to love me the way you want them to. You just gotta let these things go, you know, bounce off those malleable outer layers that you cover yourselves with. I know you're good and I know you're only trying to help but Hope and Dreams, you can't just crash after one disappointment.

Listen, I know what the idea you nursed all fall meant to you. I didn't realize how deeply invested you were in those looks and hints, though. But you have to admit that you build guys up. You always do. One day, a guy is going to make it obvious, you know, and you won't have to guess. You'll be able to entrust yourselves to him and he'll keep you safe because he'll realize how important you are to me. Set your sights on the future because, as much as you want to hold onto guys that you already know, I'm not holding my breath for any of them to step up.

I know you're not going to listen to me and I know that I encourage you to ignore me, but if you're going to hope for something ridiculous, make it something epically cool like me becoming an astronaut as opposed to something pathetically lame. You gotta let me sleep, friends. You can't wake me up with this mess anymore. Dreams, I'm looking at you now.

I don't want to discourage the two of you, Hopes and Dreams. We've accomplished quite a few impressive things with some grace and some determination and I'm glad you've been around. You look at this world and you argue against Despairs and Fears and I have to thank you for that. You've always bee around, keeping me company. I trust that one day, we're not going to be alone. So live and breathe and stay by my side, friends.

Just... don't keep me up all night crying over a boy I never knew, OK?

Love,
Addie Jo

John, Jesus and Micah

John answered them all, “I baptize you with water. But one who is more powerful than I will come, the straps of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire.  His winnowing fork is in his hand to clear his threshing floor and to gather the wheat into his barn, but he will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire.”  And with many other words John exhorted the people and proclaimed the good news to them.

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He proposed another parable to them.
"The kingdom of heaven may be likened to a man who sowed good seed in his field. While everyone was asleep his enemy came and sowed weeds all through the wheat, and then went off. When the crop grew and bore fruit, the weeds appeared as well. The slaves of the householder came to him and said, 'Master, did you not sow good seed in your field? Where have the weeds come from?' He answered, 'An enemy has done this.' His slaves said to him, 'Do you want us to go and pull them up?' He replied, 'No, if you pull up the weeds you might uproot the wheat along with them. Let them grow together until harvest, then at harvest time I will say to the harvesters, "First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles for burning, but gather the wheat unto my barn.'"

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He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
   And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
   and to walk humbly with your God.

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I have acquired a love for the prophets in recent years.Recently, they've seemed like the only things I want to hear. I want to hear someone proclaim that everything's going to be made right in the day of the Lord and that one day, all people will walk together in peace. I want to hear that the wrongs in the world will be fixed. Basically, I want a voice calling out, saying that it's going to be OK, because God is working for good in the world. I want that promise. I want it so bad. I'm afraid to put my trust back in God without it.

I think that's why I get so frustrated. I don't have to look very far for something that I see as wrong. I don't have to go global to see pain. It's always around me, something I can't fix, some unresolved problem that eats away at me as it works against a friend or a loved one. Every one of these pains, these problems, puts another brick in the wall between me and God. Why don't You step in here? Why aren't You working here? Where's the miracle, God? Where's the answer? Where are You? Why aren't You here with me, with them, making this better now? Or have You gotten out of the caring business? They stack up higher and higher.

And I hate this wall because I love God. Now, I don't think I really realized this until just recently, but I honestly do. I've loved the church too well to leave it, but I don't think I've ever stopped and thought about God. I like loving God. I like being a person that loves God. I like getting up and going to church on a Sunday morning and I like praying before meals and I like staring up at my ceiling talking until I fall asleep. I like singing hymns and meaning what I say. I like looking boldly up at the sky and I hate the attention I give the bricks beneath my feet. I love God, I love loving God through music and I love the world God has given me to see Him through.

It's just... how do you love someone you don't agree with at all? I think that God should be in the business of making things right and making them right now. I just don't understand how He can even appear to sit back and watch the world go by. I want Him to be just and righteous and I want Him to make the world just and righteous. I want Him to build up a kingdom. I want Him to make it better, to stop the pain and bring everything back to what it should be. I want the time to come when peace shall over all the earth its ancient splendors fling. And I want God to make that happen in some big, powerful way.

But no, that's not what He says. In Luke, John stands there calling, saying that Jesus has His winnowing fork in His hand, to burn those who aren't righteous. John's been waiting for the same things- redemption for the poor, a making right of things- and he thinks that Jesus is the one to bring it. But Jesus doesn't do what John expects. In a parable in Matthew, He says to leave the weeds in with the wheat so that the wheat isn't cut down with the weeds. The harvest is yet to come. Yes, everything will be separated out later, but for now, let them grow. Let them live.

I don't want that. I want action now. I want the Son of Man come back to Earth to fix all the problems with heavenly armies. I want the wicked cut down. I want change and I want it now. But no, God says. My kingdom will not be built like that. My kingdom will be built with love and kindness, with humble grace and mercy. It will be built slowly, but this is the way it must be if it's going to be built right. Take your peace for a season and know that I am working, though you may not see it. I am working and just as I placed each star in the depths of space, so I will place a seed in each heart and those seeds will grow a better world. Help Me tend them. Tend My garden, love My people and understand why I work in this way. And then work with Me.

Work with Me.

Play by Play of my Score of the Day

With a little help from this blog post (yeah for former physics majors and their blogs!) I have discovered the beauty of self-encouragement through winning. On Tuesday, I had a massive paper (don't judge, people who write papers on a regular basis- I am a science major) due and so I had to encourage myself. My outlet for this was my Facebook status and so, in an entirely self-centered blog post that will hopefully be vaguely entertaining, I will give the play by play of my score of the day. Enjoy!

Score update- Sleep: 7, Paper: 7, Class: -1, Addie Jo: -15. ARG!
After attending an exciting basketball game and working a few hours on the paper, I decided on a 4 AM nap that lasted, unfortunately, until 11, causing me to miss my first class of the day. So, with 7 hours of sleep (which in any other situation would have been a positive), 7 pages at least lacking in my paper and 1 class missed, I was pretty much at a loss. 

And at half time, the score is: Mini-paper due today: 3, recovered keys: 15, INTERVIEW HAPPY DANCE!!!!!: 4, mailed letter and turned in forms: 5, Paper: 7 with promise, Addie Jo: 6.
At noon, I had completed my 3 page classroom management plan for my education class (I'm going to have a lot of pictures of stars, encourage questions and have many physics books and fun demos to play with), gone to the music department office and recovered my keys (of which there are 15, not counting the awesome keyrings I have) which had been locked in Hill Hall over Thanksgiving break in a story that is considerably less epic than the story of the lost key. Luckily, housekeeping found them and the world was better. Also, my former college roommate and I have awesome plans to go to Europe next summer through a travel scholarship. I had gotten the email saying that I had an interview, but she had not. I spent most of Thanksgiving being vaguely saddened by this (and my paper) but then she was informed via late email that she, too, had an interview. This prompted exactly 4 uncontrollable happy dances on my part. I turned in 4 pages worth of forms for student teaching and mailed 1 letter, feeling like the good adult-in-training that I am, and though I hadn't finished another whole page of my paper, I had started on a good run, hopefully to finish the paper. All in all, considering my last score, it was a great leap in my attempt to win over the course of the day.

Pre-symphony band update: Blog posts: 5, Citation websites: 3, Bible study: -9, Phone charger:1, outlets that I can plug my charger into: -2, Paper: 9, Addie Jo: -15.
I sat in the student union for a couple of hours writing my paper. I ran up against some writer's block and decided to take a break and read some more of this awesome blog. I got five posts under my belt in full-on procrastination mode. I then attempted to figure out the Chicago-style of citations at the request of my professor (also, how in the world are you supposed to cite Native American church websites and podcasts of their services? I don't know either) and 3 confusing websites later, I was still pretty much at a loss. I also skipped Bible study in my paper-writing roll (pre-procrastination) and I felt pretty terrible about letting down the 9 other girls in my group. My phone was on its last legs battery-wise, so I, being the brilliant and wonderful person I am, brought my charger with me to campus. The 2 outlets near where I was sitting, however, were cut into tiny crevices and they didn't permit my admittedly bulky phone charger to be plugged in. After a writing roll, my paper held steady at 9 pages, only putting me 3 under the required minimum (12-15 pages) which was looking like the goal at this point. So, after quite a roller coaster time, I was back at this morning's score.

At the start of my education class: Mini-paper: 1.5, Symphony band: -2.5, french horn mouthpiece: -1, sisters and friends: 4, awesome french horn playing: 6, Paper: 10, Addie Jo: -11.
Symphony band was a party on Monday. Most of the party comes from the fact that I am one of two french horn players and I'm used to sitting happily on 4th chair without very much effort needing to be exerted on my part. You can only be the root of the chord for offbeats so many times before you just give up caring. Now, though, it's almost like being first chair again, except the music is harder and everyone else is so much better than me. I printed off my classroom management plan, which was 1.5 printed pages (yeah saving trees by printing back and front!). I got to symphony band 2.5 minutes late because I forgot my mouthpiece at my apartment and had to borrow a friend's (Official news: Caresse Bridge is the most awesome person ever, the end). Over the course of the day, 4 of my awesome sisters had helped me through things, such as forgotten mouthpieces and stressful rehearsals. I also played french horn much better on Caresse's mouthpiece and felt like I sounded pretty awesome, which is saying something because I normally feel like I sound like a dying water buffalo. I also wrote up about another page during rehearsal (the woodwinds needed a lot of work, apparently), so all in all, a net gain of 4 for the hour of symphony band.

And heading into the late stages of the game with a study session at Caribou, the score: Education Class: 1, Paper: 12, Large Mocha: 4, Addie Jo: -7.
My education class got out an hour early, holla praise, and I headed over to Caribou to hopefully type out the end of the paper and have celebratory friend times with my former college roommate. Another couple of pages had been written during my education class (my eyes start to glaze over whenever the current student teachers start talking about their students. WARNING: Your eyes will start to glaze over next semester because I will be doing the exact same thing all the time. I will also be less social. I will also blog probs less than I already do. You have been warned, dear readers), putting me at the limit, but not done with my ideas, so a -1 in the convoluted point system I made up myself. I'm practicing for my career as an ACC ref. I purchased a large mocha for the low low price of 4 dollars, and considered myself as having stepped up in the world, another net gain of 4.

 In the home stretch: Coffee Spill Napkins: 5, Happy Dances: 3, Christine: 21, Avett Brothers Songs: 4, Paper: 12, Addie Jo: 16. Yeah!
As I sat in crowded Caribou, I had the beautiful grace to knock my large mocha onto my computer. I sprung into action, grabbing a handful of napkins and saving my page up and down buttons and mopping up my battery. Fingers crosses, the computer is still kicking. 5 napkins later and the only problem with my computer is that is smells vaguely of chocolate, which is not really a problem at all. My former college roommate arrived and we celebrated multiple times about our interviews, resulting in at least 3 more happy dances on my part and 20 smiles on Christine's part (21 by the time I had updated my status). As we sat and worked on things, Caribou started playing Emotionalism by the Avett Brothers, prompting a change in my About Me on Facebook. I felt bad, because this was the first time there wasn't a Bible verse (read: Jesus quote) in my About Me. Former College Roommate insisted it was OK. Jesus understands- He gave us the Avett Brothers. True story, Former College Rommate, true story. 4 Avett Brothers songs always make my life happier. The paper was stagnant at 12, but having reached the minimum, I was no longer freaking out. Good times, good times.

Final Score: Books: 10, Websites: 8, Footnotes: 78, Notebooks: 2, Cups of Coffee: 9, Pages: 14, Addie Jo: 125. VICTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In the late hours of the morning, I finished my paper. I had used 10 books in my research, cited 8 websites, created 78 footnotes for my citations, written many pages in 2 separate notebooks, drunk 9 (large) cups of coffee, and ended with 14 pages. The sum total of this (each footnote definitely counts as a point, those suckers were pains in the kneecaps), I ended up with a higher score than any Carolina game, including the 2008-2009 season, which I am desperately missing. Good college basketball, where have you gone? At the same time, I felt a major sense of accomplishment and went to sleep for a few hours before heading to class intending to present my term paper, the work of beauty that is was.

 Editorial note: My professor began class on Tuesday by saying, "So I think we all agreed that the papers would be handed in on Thursday..."