A Week in the Life

I feel like I've been through a mind/heart/soul workout. I apparently do my growing in spurts, though we're going to try to fix this and make it a bit more steady. But I gotsa question or two as well.

Hum hum. Tuesday I went to a ballet recital and ended up watching the mice backstage. The best part of the ballet, though, is when Cinderella picks up her broom and starts dancing with it. I've always loved watching that, even since I was a mouse. The make-believe prince and the ash-covered princess- my fav. Also a bit convicting now that I've grown up a little because as I watched Cinderella I realized that most of my princes were brooms and that I've spent my life waiting for the ball. What kind of pathetic oppressed female am I? Hello, my name's Addie Jo and I'm a recovering hopeless romantic.

In related news, I talked with Bink on Sunday (she was talking about going to 'big kid Sunday School' because she's retiring from teaching the senior highs! Gasp!). We chatted about my summer plans and she gave me an uncertain look when I clarified that I was going to work at a day camp at the planetarium instead of at Camp Joy. Let me just say that I trust a lot of what Bink says and she understands why I'm going to be 100 miles away from where I might should be. The fact that her questioning glance set me thinking let me know that I'm not as over the end of my last summer as I thought I was. I'm not convinced that I'm doing right by leaving my campers alone for a summer, I have a crazy guilty feeling that I'm choosing science over God and I feel like somewhere in the depths of my stomach that I'm running away and not listening and I got a very good wake up call about listening this last semester from Catherine during one of our meetings at Caribou. So, all in all, I got in a big tizzy over a bunch of confused emotions and was reminded by the lovely Sarah Werner this morning that I read too much into things and that sometimes you mistakenly think something so you'll go somewhere you're supposed to be. It all works out for the best. I just hate being wrong- it's my pride and my insistence that I'm right. Hello, my name's Addie Jo and I'm a recovering bigheaded idiot with a self-inflicted broken heart.

Let's see... Wednesday me and Joyful babysat for a funeral for a member of our church. I was in my mom's office and found the movie version of Godspell, the same musical that the youth choir at UUMC in Chapel Hill had put on last year, I think. Joy was excited about it so we watched it until the kids arrived and I finished it with my mother later as I helped her get Sunday School stuff ready (PS- Anyone want to co-lead a college Sunday School with me at UUMC next semester? Because I haven't sat through a whole Sunday School lesson since freshman year of high school). I have only three words to say about Godspell- John the Baptist. Oh my goodness. Well, John the Baptist/ Judas and since John the Baptist gets beheaded and doesn't really hang with Jesus a lot, I'm pretty sure it's more Judas, but, if you've seen Godspell, you know that in most productions, including the original and the movie, they're played by the same actor who's onstage the whole time. Now, it could just be the awesome coat, but he's the character that drew my attention the most. He's the most... human... to me. I mean, he hesitates (most of this could be the 'creative interpretation' of the director) when he first sees Jesus, he rolls his eyes at the turn-the-other-cheek lesson, he steps away from the group and throws out a false assumption after the Good Samaritan and after the Beatitudes, he is the one disciple to yell the statement that makes Jesus pause. Then there's that little bit about the betrayal (Also, I really wish I could have known Judas so I would know what to think about him- I can't cast him away as an insensitive betrayer nor can I paint him as a tragic figure forced to conform to God's plan). But it's the same person that calls everyone to Jesus and stands beside Jesus before the Pharisees. He's one of the first to get the paint that declares him a follower of Christ and the one who helps set up the Last Supper, the last to sit at the table. I want to understand why a director would choose to make the character that kills Jesus and the character that brings people to Him associated through the same actor. This one character, two roles, seems like the only adult in the musical other than Jesus. The rest follow Him and sing in a child-like love. Is that so bad? I have to ask. Aren't we told to have the faith of a child? But God doesn't want blind followers, I have to object. He didn't want puppets, that's why we have to choose. There's obviously something good about being human, if God will provide for us more than the lilies of the field. Yet what a range of humanity there is! We can be singing in the streets, calling people to Christ or standing in the back, looking for the chance to betray Him. We have such a chance to fall- the lukewarm may only slightly vary, but the fervent can walk with Him up the mountain and watch their heart soar or leave Him and fall into the sea, listening to their hearts scream. I want the awesome coat. I want to be John the Baptist but I am so afraid I'll end up in betrayal. Hello, my name's Addie Jo and I'm realizing what a long way I have to go.

Oh, and Thursday. Thursday, I drove to Chapel Hill and back with David Crowder and Relient K. Six in the morning was a bit too early because me and God had had one of those late loud conversations again (thanks mostly to the good Oswald Chambers- if someone wants to have a conversation about 'undue familiarity' and what this death with Christ that we must needs go through really means, I'd love to talk); however, I sallied forth and recovered and around 7:45 I got to the song Intoxicating by David Crowder* Band. They do some nice la's in there somewhere, but towards the end, there's a set that make me smile bunches and bunches. The general gist of the song is that God's love is enough to drive us crazy in a wonderful way and so when they get to the la's, it's just like hallelujah- nonsense because there's no good words to describe how happy you are. There's this one repeat of the la's where one sneaks in early. La LA la, la-la-la la-la la la la la (imagine me singing it, or better yet go listen to the song yourself). And all I can think is that I want to be that la. I want to be the expression of a heart so excited about God that I can't wait until I'm supposed to speak, I need to sing out right now and the fact that I didn't wait makes the song around me more perfect. This overwhelming happiness (one might even say joy) can be linked to a sentiment in another song by the same band.

I'm so bored of little gods
While standing on the edge of
something large,
While standing here, so close to You
We could be consumed...
I give up, I lay down,
Rest my face upon this ground,
Lift my eyes to Your sky,
Rid my heart of all I hide.
So sweet this surrender...

Hello, my name is Addie Jo and I'm a recovering doubter, hater and harborer of things I swore I left behind a long time ago. But I know this God who's so much bigger than me who wants a heart for Him to fill, so I left my broom-princes at the door, along with my fears of who I could be, wanted to be and who I thought I was. I didn't leave my questions because I'm a mind as well as a heart and God wants a mind to use, even if I don't understand this whole human-God sanctification thing and even if I wonder about the stories I'm told. God wants all of me- He'll get rid of what I don't need, what won't help me to see Him more clearly, love Him more dearly, follow Him more nearly.

Though I want to end this post with my usual conclusive skill, it's not an end. It's not a beginning, either. It's a continuation. Day by day.