Sunday, October 3, 2010

The Church at Auvers

Listen, I know you can't help everyone. But it's kinda driving me crazy that you can't. High school boyfriends? It'll all work out in the end. Grad school applications? You know, God will guide you to the right place, you just gotta trust. Money? The money is always there, and if it's not, you know, God is good, all the time. It'll work out. I promise.

But there are some things I can't promise. I don't know if your family member is going to get better and I know it's hard and I know I can't help. I am, in fact, entirely unencouraging because my former college roommate is going to buy me ice cream if I have cancer, so there's only an upside to that. I don't know how to be an upside for you. I can't make your aunt listen to you and understand you. I can't bring someone beautiful into your life to help you through everything you need right now. I can't pick you up off the street, train you for a job and get you a job and a house. I can't bring anyone back. I can't help. And I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

And not that everything in my life is a reference to something else, but I was watching Doctor Who and the Doctor had to leave someone and go on and be the Doctor somewhere else and the man said something like, "We've fought monsters together and we've won. I'm not sure I'll do so well on my own." I'm watching the Doctor's face and I think I understand it because your heart breaks, you know, you just want to take them all and protect them all forever and you can't. You can't always be there and you can't fix everything. How do you leave someone when you know you can't help? When you know what they're headed towards? You can't fix everything.

But give me a time machine and a sonic screwdriver and I'll sure as hell try.

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