So, three concerts into tour and I'm finally back at home.
You can pretty much ask anyone- the past few weeks, I've been stressing a little a lot. I hadn't heard the full choir sing, I was so frustrated with a few girls and inside I felt like this was the wrong thing, like I should have packed up my bags and headed away, far away for the summer. I even had that feeling this morning after the first service... and the second service, though it was better. I just wanted so badly for this group to impress the congregation in Hickory, to say to everyone at our church that Crossflame is worth your support and worth the time you take on a Sunday morning to listen to us. I didn't feel like we accomplished that so much. I kinda want to write a 'I Love Crossflame' story and explain to everyone how much this choir means to me, since it apparently means a lot, as I'm going on my second tour after graduating from high school.
Going into the third concert today, I had a dual personality, I think. Part of me was the little kid that was so excited just to be back on stage, enjoying a concert because concerts have always been my favorite part of tour, not going to lie. But then, the other half of me must be the adult cynic because it taunted me every time I smiled at a song lyric or talked more to the ceiling than to the congregation when I sang. The voice very calmly informed me that I was pleased to think of myself as looking like an angel as I sang or looking more enthusiastic than people around me. It's a hard voice to beat down because, as much as I hate to admit it, I love performing and it's crazy easy for someone who loves to be on stage to think that the crowd's just focusing on them and that they're worth this focus.
Maybe I had a triple personality because somewhere along the way, I clicked back with God in a concert in a way that made me smile just as much as the tradition of Heaven's Gate makes me smile every time we start up that song, no matter how we sound. But while Heaven's Gate makes me smile because it connects me with choir members I never knew and choir members I absolutely loved, connecting with God on almost every one of our songs was wonderful. And the cynical voice beat in as much as it wanted to, but eventually, I felt... at home. I might just be someone who's not willing to let the past die, singing with a choir full of kids who are, at the oldest, two years younger than me. But at the same time, I get the chance to talk to God every concert and know, know, that He's really there. Oh, how long have I wanted that! I don't care that I have to say the same things over and over again, and I don't think He does either. I wish that I could spread this to the rest of the choir, but I feel like some of them wouldn't listen because I've been border-line rude when reprimanding them in my frustration and I feel like the rest of them wouldn't hear God behind me. It's just me, I mean, it's just Addie Jo talking again. It's like Ron time, except a lot worse because I hardly ever say anything worth listening to.
But God's probably got some great plan figured out for each of them, some way to take their favorite part of tour and make it His and make them see. Ron talks about all the spiritual awakening and growth and I don't know that I ever went on tour for that or that I ever saw that on tour. But worship, really worshiping a God who's palpably there, is the most tremendous thing Crossflame could ever give me and I'm am crazy glad I've got it back. By the way, the stress is gone. Magically. Miraculously.
So we all piled back on the bus in Blacksburg, Va., and drove to our 'rustic cabins' in the mountains of Virginia, where we'll leave at 830 (read 915) in the morning tomorrow to head off to Pennsylvania with a couple of rest stops and a lovely time at Gettysburg (get excited! I am!). No concert tomorrow- just a drive, a battlefield and a nice long time getting acquainted with our new lodgings at Elizabethtown College. I'm not too worried though. After our last concert today, I was happy. Post-concerts are the best times to gauge how the concert went for me. I'm on an emotional high, no matter what that emotion was and tonight, I'm pretty sure it was joy. I heard a noise from the back of the bus and turn around in time to hear, 'Livin' in a lonely world. She took the midnight train goin' anywhere,' and to join in with 'Just a small town boy, born and raised in South Detroit. He took the midnight train going anywhere.' The great thing was, I wasn't the only one to join in with the impromptu karaoke from the back of the bus.
I love being in a choir. And I think I was the happiest I've been in a least a month, probably more, sitting on a choir bus, singing Journey and watching fireflies.
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