Passion

Please don't tell me I'm wrong and please don't tell me I'm crazy and please don't tell me I don't understand. Just wanted to throw that out there before you think all those things at or near the same time.

I kinda lied about the last devotional time on tour. I got a bit more than my two cents' worth. If you would have been me lately, you would have been mightily confused about your place with God (the Father)/Jesus/ Holy Spirit. You would have struggled with the phrase 'undue familiarity' and how that works with the concept of a God so personal He knows what you're going to say before you say it. You also would have felt like a complete loser around the Lord, the queen of unworthiness and only occasionally able to raise your head in worship, even though you know it doesn't make a difference. You would feel the separation that your thoughts were/are causing and would be at a loss to understand why God hasn't removed this obvious thorn in your metaphorical side. And if you were me, after you put Hannah in front of the conversation you dearly longed to have with your Lord, got her cell phone and sat back down in the very back of the sanctuary, you would have put your head down on the pew in front of you and thought back to a few minutes before, when you were crazy afraid to even look at your mind's image of Jesus, let alone the real thing.

Because when Amber-Drew told us to imagine the most beautiful thing in the world in front of us alone on an empty stage, I knew what was coming. My mind stayed around long enough to see the light emerging from the mist and then it looked down to examine my feet, which, I'm happy to say, were wonderfully free of shoes. And AD kept talking and I kept looking down because I knew the light was coming closer and I knew I wasn't worth standing here in front of Him. Can light smile comfortingly? I think it tried and in the split second before we changed stages I looked up in my mind unwillingly and got a smile. I jerked my real head up and ripped open my eyes because I knew that smile was much more than I deserved and I left the stage because I was afraid. I came back for the group of normal people and I hope no one looked at my face because it was much too confusing to make sense even to me.

So here I am now back on the last pew, the tax collector that's posing to the world as a Pharisee. My head's down, so I'm free to say have mercy on me, sinner that I am, but that's not really what comes out. What comes out is all the invented poison that's been rolling around in my head, taking things too literally or ignoring the Truth I've known, all the accusations and reasons why I could never approach the throne. And I'm all astonishment as my mind goes back to the stage and the smile- Why me? Why me? Why not someone better, more faithful, more able, more willing? Why me? Why do I have to stare at my feet? Why not someone who will run to You? And, somewhere along the way, Why can't I be that someone?

I'm sure the doubts and the questions aren't what gets you- if you know me, you know that insecurity seems to be something that I revel in revealing to others, like I want you to see just how weak I am so I can hear you say that I'm strong. But here I am, I'm still sitting with my head on my arms on the back of the pew in front of me and when I open my eyes, I'm staring at the floor. Why aren't You here? My eyes are shut tight. Now it's almost like someone's sitting beside me, in the bit of space in between me and the aisle end of the pew, almost like someone's got an arm around me. And the in-my-head-influenced-by-who-knows-what Jesus voice that I hear sometimes when I pray says, Why wouldn't I be here?

I open my eyes and look over beside me and of course it's an empty pew. But goodness, what I wouldn't have given to have had Jesus right beside me. I stifle a laugh as I look around because I'm in a church that is so obviously filled with the Holy Spirit it's almost tangible and I just blindly asked the Lord why He wasn't there.

Now, you can say that's all in my mind, and I'm cool with that. My mind clearly has links to the scaredy-cat aspect of me the same way it has links to the comforting images part of me. I could have made it all up because it was what I needed then. I needed Jesus back, just for a second, because He's been so hard to find in all the me that's been floating around. But I'll just disagree with you on that because I don't want a God that limits Himself to what my mind can make up and what my words can describe, because He would be truly limited then indeed. Snap, I want a God who can make me breathless, who will take me deeper and who will let me know that the moments that I spent right beside Him are the best moments in this world and that I am promised an eternity more of them.

My question now: Will I ever go back to that simple, happy love? Am I forever changed, forever a doubter? Because I heard Everything on Pandora today and if ever a song could make me want to rip out my soul and sew it back in with a legit passion for Christ, that is the song. I want that passion, I want the Church to be filled with that passion, that force that made Paul such a strong proponent of the Gospel, that life-breath that brings fruit out of broken human hands. I want that passion to save the world and I want people to see Jesus of Nazareth for the Savior He is, for the Christ He is and I want redemption to come to this entire planet, through the hands of us who know what it is. I want passion, I want life, I want unshakable joy. I want God. And I want Him for you, too.