Ugh, how emo is that? And how sad is my life that I cannot appreciate this moment for what it truly is? Here I sit, hours away from Easter morning, and I am scared of what Easter may bring.
Scared? Of redemption? Of freedom? Of life?
This makes no sense to me. I have longed for this Easter like no other. This has been the longest Lent, the longest period of waiting, the longest forty days of darkness I've had in my life. I'm overcome with apathy, with secret sins, with everyday life, with bigger pain that I see around me and refuse to experience. I have no right to be miserable. I'm healthy, I have a whole family, I go to a wonderful, wonderful University with the best basketball team in the country, how much more can I want? I don't deserve any of what I've got and I'm never grateful for what I've got. In short, I'm a terrible person, despite many attempts to persuade me to the contrary. I always thought that was the point of Lent- to realize your horribleness. And maybe it is, in a way. If we were all perfect, the cross would have been such a horrid waste. One day soon, I'm going to be grateful for that.
There are so many metaphors for this at my disposal, I don't hardly know what to say. I hide in darkness because I love my sin, my humanity and I'm comfortable in the dark. This light, this holiness, it is terrifying. Can you imagine being different from everyone else? Can you imagine being completely free of this common factor in us all, this love of darkness that twists our world into the pain that it feels every second of every day. I know these are just words. I'm too afraid to step out and take action.
Something as stupid as doing the dishes for my dad so he doesn't have to stand on his feet for a minute more than he has to. Something as easy as holding a door for someone, smiling once in a while. Something as meaningful as volunteering at the homeless shelter or soup kitchen, sorting clothes or cans. Something as normal to me as saying a few words to someone who needs to hear it, not someone who's heard it a billion times before and could tell me my story better than I can. All of this is too big for me, too scary for me. My bubble is really just right around me, this little home of false happiness that I never escape. It's so easy to do in college. What am I going to do when I'm a real adult?
One of my pastors was talking to my mom about -sigh- my calling. He said I needed more life experience before just jumping into seminary, into leading a church. That was the first time I heard that- a pastor who's not crazy excited about me wanting to join the church? Insanity! How could he know that divinity school is just my way of hiding from the big bad world, which has gotten exponentially bigger and badder with the economy, violence, etc. (and I say etc. because the list is so unreal to me- I haven't lost a job, no one in my family has lost a job- that happened a while ago- and pain is so outside of my bubble).
I am supposed to doubt, correct? I can't just believe everything, I can't just accept this -sigh- calling and run with it. I need to think about it. This is a big life decision. This requires another heart, another life. I have to be good. I'm obviously still human, but there should be something different about me. I cannot live in this perpetual hole of sin that my soul has dug for itself. And these are words! I can say all day long that I'm sorry, that I wish to God that Christ didn't have to die for me, that those sins that I laid on Him never had to separate Him from His Father. I have so many words. All of them run from one little action. Standing up for once to my temptations. Stopping my sins from ruling my mind. Forgetting, forgetting, forgetting and keeping the dreamer from ruling my life. Being more than I am. Being what I was meant to be.
And I am so scared to be holy. I am so scared to get close to the throne and I am so scared of what God can do with me. All this talk of potential- what if He was making me more than I was meant to be? What if He puts me up high and I fail? What if I fall? What if (what a tragedy this would be!) I had to try and I had to work and I had to persevere for once in my pathetic life? What if I had to trust Him for something and let this stupid little world out of my control? What if He was calling me to work at something, at anything, to stop sleeping in mornings and go and be someone, to have some determination, some soul? What if He was calling me to live?
I stand on the edge of life and I am afraid.
And the angel answered and said unto the women, Fear not ye: for I know that ye seek Jesus, which was crucified. He is not here: for he is risen, as he said.
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