Days

Today is the day.

Today is the day I stop believing lies about myself. I will stop listening to the voice inside my head that promises that we’re just being realistic here when we judge the sum total of our face and our hair and our rolls as determinedly unattractive. That voice promises that I am hideous and useless and truly unloved and it has gone a bridge too far. Though I can do better and be much healthier, that voice doesn’t speak true. Today, I start believing in myself again.

Today is the day I stop fighting my body. My posture and gait are as important as the food I eat, the beverages I drink, the stretches I do, and the exercises I plan. I have to begin listening to the creaks and tears of my brain and body, because I only get the one and I need it to last. Today, I start taking care of myself.

Today is the day I stop doing anything less than my level best at my job. It’s the day that I stop taking internet breaks to click that link or check this form of social media, distractedly, obsessively, and over and over again. It’s the day that I stop staring at my computer listlessly in the face of challenge and start creating, making, problem solving, and learning. Today, I start trying again.

Today is the day I stop making excuses for myself. Those little lies and flimsy reasons are just brambles that hold me back, snares that slow me down and keep me from moving forward. Excuses grow into arguments against action and I am finished with inaction. Today, I take responsibility for myself.

Today is the day I stop pretending to want things I don’t. I don’t want to settle down right now. I don’t want to back myself into a career just because I think I should. I don’t want to settle for a nice man, a picket fence, and consolation children. I don’t want to stay comfortable, relegated to the well-understood back corner when there is a world of wonderfully thorny problems out there, waiting to be solved. Today, I start looking for the something more I’ve been yearning for.

Today is the day I stop apologizing for myself. The questions I ask, the words I say, the space I occupy, these things are not offenses or outrages to the people around me, nor should they be.  I’m not going to hide the fact that I’m a capable woman so that others can feel comfortable. I will delve into the subjects and ideas that fascinate me without concern for intimidation. I will work with confident dedication. I refuse to let my fear of disapproval dictate my choices. Today, I start acting independent of the inhibitions of others.

Today is the day I stop waiting.

Today is the day I stop quitting.

Today is the day I stop lowering my expectations.

And today is the day I begin living again.

Because I have been given much and it is ridiculous that I have wasted my privilege and my power to live in comfort rather than to help others into better lives. I have the ability and the opportunity to make a good and lasting difference in the world. I don’t want to waste the lifetime of chances that I have. Today is the day that I start living into the rhetoric of my soul.

And tomorrow is that day too.