OK, so I have many many things to say and no coherent way to say them. I have like three posts in my brain that I really think are worth the time I'll spend on them when I spend it on them, but this is not going to be one of them, so feel free to stop reading at any point and time. I promise, you're not missing much.
First off, can I be a terrible, horrible, shallow person for like ten minutes? Because I'm going to. If you've seen A Very Potter Sequel (I'm going to ruin a small small section of it for you if you haven't) then you know Hermione's scene at the end with Draco and you know her little speech. "I know that I have the lowest self esteem out of anyone at Hogwarts, but... but I think that I can do better. No, don't feel bad. Listen, you're always going to be a stepping stone on my journey to feeling good about myself. So thanks for being there, for me to step on." And this speech comes off just as mean as it does here in the show, I promise you. But if you understood where Hermione was coming from, maybe you'd think it was OK? Nah, nope, it's still terribly mean. (PS I hope you appreciate how hard it is for me to go back into the I-work-with-kids-on-a-daily-basis-so-I've-learned-the-nice-way-to-say-things way of speaking because the more accurate word is a little bit inappropriate for general audiences.) But the thing is, I understand what she's saying. And it's not that she knows that Ron likes her (you never tell a girl you like her, it makes you look like an idiot) and it's not that she's confident that there's going to be someone else, it's just that she doesn't want what's been offered. And you know, maybe we all have dreams that are a little too big for our potential and you know maybe we all can't have a real love of our lives and maybe we're all just waiting for a time that won't come or an awkward explanation of the Mary Jane and Peter Parker romance that somehow ends up with Ron as Mary Jane but is still super precious and incredibly endearing. Oh, just go watch it.
A friend of mine is turning 21 in a little bit and she's kinda worried about the party on her birthday. There are now three guys in her life who will probably be expecting her attention throughout the evening and she's a little exasperated. I would be too- it's not like we've ever had so much as one guy wanting our attention. And it's flattering- let me jump off the feminist bandwagon for a second to say that it's really, really nice when a guy pays attention to you and it's very easy to feel like you're worth less because you're not as pretty as the girls who normally have all the guys at the very least looking at them. There are so many beautiful people here and they're all accomplished and they're all going to go do great things or at least make a ton of money and if you step back, you realize that you don't belong and you're very amazed that you got here in the first place. So to get attention from any guys here always seems like a big deal to me.
I really dismiss out of hand anyone I don't see on a pretty regular basis. I've realized that I'm a terrible conversationalist. I have to be in your world to have any idea what you're talking about or to even care enough to add something more than the occasional "yeah" to the conversation. So if you think that our friendship is going to grow over Facebook, you're mistaken. And I think I can do better than someone who can only message me and learned everything he knows about me from my profile. However, if I once knew you pretty well and I want to keep up with you and have some idea of what's up in life, as well as have the chance to come visit you or see you before we all grow up and join the real world. then Facebook is a perfectly acceptable method of communication. I need to figure out some good etiquette, some nice way of saying that I'm just not that into Facebook stalkers, because it's vaguely disheartening to know that the kind of guys I attract are guys I haven't had a conversation with in real life.
And what silly distractions guys are! I should be able to ignore you and focus on whatever's in front of me, not ignore what's happening right in front of my face to say hey to you. Though I'm glad you generally speak to me first. Arg, it's so frustrating! Sometimes you think it's you, that you're just not allowing yourself to be happy (which, let's face it, do I really have time to go chase down a guy? Do I have time to be chased? And after the chasing is done, do I really have time to commit to a relationship? Then again, if we're being honest, I probably spend as much time moping about my loml as a relationship takes up, so I probably do have time...) and then sometimes you think that it's just the guys that are around you, but most of the time I'm just fed up with the fact that I still get to dream about a first kiss. What is my life?
Sorry, that was all very shallow and I feel really bad for feeling it and if I could get rid of it without massive amounts of effort I would. But it's really enough to make you want to scream "Bitter and alone!" as you speed down a highway. Because, you know, some of us aren't looking for anything small. We're not looking for anything cute and momentary and like everyone else's Saturday night stories. When we tell someone that they mean something to us, they mean something to us and there's no way of dumbing that down, but I don't know how to tell you that. I don't want Prince Charming. I don't want to marry a doctor. I don't want someone who's gorgeous but a jerk (though I do have a propensity to like jerks and hope they grow out of it... poor Snape [starting at 2:50]). There are plenty of fish in the sea (oh wait, there's an oil spill, never mind) but you know, I don't want just anybody. And I'm willing to test out a couple of somebodies, but I know that there's one person who's going to light up my world and make every cliche not so terribly cheesy and false. I'm not searching desperately for The One, per se, I just have faith that my future's been provided for.
Which seems unfair. But that's a story for another post.
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