Break in the Action

I'm promising myself that I'll get to that darn E&M soon enough (midterm on Tuesday, entire lack of studying, in way over my head, 30% of my grade, panic, panic, panic), but there's a lot on my mind and so I'll get back to studying when there's room for it.

I've felt a little bit of vicarious pain this week. A friend's grandfather died and she was really close to him and her step-grandmother is being rather unkind throughout the whole ordeal. One of those times when you really just want to make it better, but you can't. Another friend's aunt is in the ICU and I don't even know this woman, but I know that in this accident there's pain for another family that doesn't need it. Other friends are stressed out about school work, job work, auditions, concerts, papers, midterms part two, just life and you want to sit back and say that God is good and life is wonderful, but that sounds a bit hollow considering that you're jittery from coffee and complaining about the same stuff. Some friends are looking at life after graduation and some are just looking at life and it's not the bright frontier we always wanted it to be. Life's tough. And I'm not going to fix that today.

Hmm, but I've also felt some joy. My friends, I wish I could explain to you how wonderful it is to come out of that darkness that is doubt. Did you know that most of the psalms are songs of community lament? So says my Hebrew Bible teacher. In any case, they're not all happy, like Psalm 42, which I always thought was.

As a deer longs for flowing streams,
so my soul longs for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When shall I come and behold
the face of God?
My tears have been my food
day and night, while people say
to me continually,
"Where is your God?"

But you can't just stop there, or a few lines from there. Read all the way to the end and you get the gist of my life. "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." The psalmist isn't over everything, he hasn't just been gloriously blessed, his problems solved and his dreams exceeded by the good that has just flooded into his life. Where is your God, people ask? And the psalmist doesn't know. He even asks God where He is, but it's not like God comes out of the clouds, surprise. Hmm, but "deep calls to deep," and God loves, my friends. God loves deeply. And it's so good to have that answer. No, it doesn't stop genocide. No, it doesn't heal all the sick. No, it doesn't stop the pain. But it helps me live through it. It carries us through so that when people ask where our God is, we can say that He's right here. He's been with me all along and now, with His help, I'm going to be a part of His making it better. Through me, He's going to fix the world. And if the world doesn't get fixed, that's not Him. That's the flaw of humanity, but humanity, even with its flaws, is worth fighting for.

I was walking back to my dorm after a meeting tonight and a friend was carrying my backpack because I'm lame (and so, so punny). We were talking about life and she said something like, 'There's no one thing that's making my life stupendous right now, but there are a lot of little things that are going right, getting me through the day.' And it's so true. Most of the time, we don't have the sun, but we do have wonderful stars, that are much farther away but much brighter, in and of themselves.

We kept on walking and we got to talking about my current position in our fraternity and she said, 'You're doing fine. Everything comes easy for you,' or 'You're good at everything.' And I'm sitting here thinking, What? I am an epic fail at existence. OK, maybe not epic fail, but there are so many things that I want to be better at. I don't think that anything I do is worth having done, which is crazy frustrating. It amazes me, every day, how much people can believe in you so much more than you believe in yourself. Eventually, though, you're going to have to shoulder that load yourself and know that you can do all things through Him who gives you strength.

Because the world's going to need that someday. From each of us.

Man, I take a midterm on Tuesday and turn in a problem set, take another one on Thursday and turn a problem set and a paper in early so I can get on a plane Friday to go to Dallas to settle this whole calling thing. Psh, and then there's a life after this weekend- I have another midterm on Monday, the Children's Radio-thon on Thursday, a concert the next Monday and then -breathe in- Thanksgiving -breathe out-.

But there's always another corner to turn and I'm hoping that it's coming this weekend. And if not, and if I'm setting way too much store on these few days, then the corner will be just down the block from that. It's always there. Such is life. Sweet, sweet life.