Yellow Light Epiphany

Dear Boy,

Thanks for this summer. You probably don't know and won't know how much you changed my plans. You don't know how many hours I spent letting my heart ache pointlessly over you or how many people I asked for advice on what to do about you or how long it took me to realize that you are not what I really want in my life today, but I know. I wasted those hours, I started those conversations and I waited my two years- let me go check my email to find the exact date- to figure out what I figured out today.

You know, I may have loved you. There are times that I've been afraid that I did and there was a whole week of happiness induced by that thought. I knew all along that you never loved me, though. You take the taste out of peanut butter, as Charlie Brown might see it. Maybe I preferred it that way. You were safe and you were unknown to most of the people around me. You could be my mysterious excuse to not talk to someone else. You were safe. You left my heart in a confused mess, but you were safe.

I probably should apologize- I'm sure this is making you uncomfortable. My pen sees it as revenge for having to smile when you mentioned past girlfriends when I've never even been on a date or for the times when I was sure you were saying things to make me size up your opinion of me, knowing that I would fall short. I'm not the girl you want and you probably never thought of me outside of the times that you saw me. I had one painful evening when I could imagine us seeing more of each other. Maybe that's the night that I began to realize that you must become part of my past as much as I am only a part of yours.

Ever since high school, I hit the ceiling when I go under a yellow light- you get a wish when you do. I often waste mine- a wish for a car, for a boyfriend, for a perfect day. Not that these things are inaccessible, just that they don't come by wishing. I realized today, after musing under a yellow light, that neither would you and, upon further examination, I realized that I wouldn't want you to.

Would you believe in a love at first sight? I'm certain that it happens all the time. But it doesn't mean a relationship, as it's just a glance. Destiny is worked out by us and love remains unrequited when left idle. So here's to you- you cured me of my ridiculous obsession with love and helped me grow up, all the while being true to yourself, which Shakespeare tells us is the most important thing.

Still, if you want to spend a couple of hours talking about my favorite books (a question of yours which I never answered satisfactorily), listening to Beatles' songs (just to see where I'm coming from), looking at the stars again (before the constellations I know set), or talking about our awesomely blessed yet superbly separate lives, I'm not at all opposed to putting off packing every little thing until one in the morning. Just in case you happen to be a Hawk Nelson fan, too.

With best regards,
Your Ordinary Girl