Why I Was Upset About Being a Hufflepuff

(Warning: Contains Harry Potter and Christianity. For just Harry Potter, click here.)

When I got sorted in Pottermore and that badger surrounded by a yellow badge popped up, it was literally the worst outcome possible. Gryffindor was clearly what I was going for because all the cool, important kids are in Gryffindor; Ravenclaw would have been fine because I've rocked the intelligence vibe for a long time and would be happy with that as my defining characteristic; and, though I would have been slightly upset, I would have been OK with Slytherin because there's something to redeem there, there's a history and a conflict and something of interest, at the very least.

But Hufflepuff? Hufflepuff? Here, I'm just going to let the internet do the talking for me:

From A Very Potter Musical: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OyAnhDO9v4
"I can't digest lactose- I'm a Hufflepuff": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0Z5_wipT2o
"Sorry, I know how you must be feeling." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXF4JuA6tcg
"An organizational equivalent to the Redshift Army": http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HufflepuffHouse

You can see why this would be a little devastating for me. It's been a long year. There's been a lot of soul-searching, a lot of wondering what I'm even doing with my life, and a lot of re-evaluating what I think of myself, the things on which I pride myself, and the things about myself that I would like to change. It's a difficult process, sorting through the junk and treasures of your collected character attributes, and all I was looking for was a little affirmation, even if it was from a website based on a fictional world in a bunch of children's books. I mean, come on. Throw me a bone. It's not too much to expect.

Remind me of how brave I am, what a good leader I can be, and how I can change things and fight for good. Put me in Gryffindor. Remind me that, hey, I am smart, that I have the ability to use the knowledge I've gained plus the way of thinking I've developed to solve problems around me, and that it's fine to like to know things. Put me in Ravenclaw. Remind me that I want to be important, that I can be manipulative, and that I quite enjoy having a fatal flaw. Put me in Slytherin.

Pause for a second, before you start hardcore nerd judging. I need everyone reading this to remember that, even though we're talking about a fictional world here, I'm an absolute sucker for metaphors and symbols. I look for meaning in places that might not actually contain it and I analyze situations that don't actually require analysis. So as I've been complaining about being a Hufflepuff for the past two days, there's more here than just being a petulant child about all of this. I mean, first off, it's funny and it gives me a topic of conversation and attention- everyone likes a good Hufflepuff bashing session. (Plus, our mascot is a badger. This is just begging for a honey badger treatment.) Secondly, and more importantly, it's given me a chance to think about myself. (Warning- Jesus and rambling ahead. Feel free to stop reading now and watch the Which House Are You video again, or start A Very Potter Musical. See what a good Hufflepuff I am? Always thinking about the sensitivities of my friends.)

There are important reasons about why I was upset about being a Hufflepuff, and it says a lot about who I am. I want to be seen as brave and smart and Hufflepuffs aren't known for that. I want to be important and Hufflepuffs often allow themselves to be pushed to the side. I want people to take me seriously and... I mean, do I even need to finish that sentence? At first blush, being a Hufflepuff is just not an ideal thing for anyone whose opinion of themselves can be crippled by other's opinions of them. The defining trait of the Hufflepuff House is loyalty, and they're known for being fair, kind, and faithful friends. They're also humble, which is why no one knows that the founder of Hogsmede was a Hufflepuff, that, after Gryffindors, Hufflepuff House had the most people stay to fight for the castle, or that several of the historically most liked Ministers of Magic were Hufflepuffs.(Thank you, Harry Potter Wiki.) It's easy to boil down those solid character traits into a trite word like "nice" and never thinking beyond that to realize that those are all qualities you should want to have. I want to be fair and kind and faithful. I want to be loyal. I want to be caring and humble. I do, I swear I do.

Just not that much.

And that's what bothers me and pushes me over the edge and into existential crisis mode. Because when you talk about Hufflepuffs like that, they sound awfully Christian. Basically, that's all the best qualities of a Christian rolled into one House. That's why I can't fit in here. I'm not like that. I'm absurdly, terribly, cripplingly prideful. It's my cardinal sin of choice. Being sorted as a Hufflepuff offended my pride. I want a House of which I can be unreservedly proud and I want people to be able to recognize me as a member of that House and, in general, approve.

But then I spent all this time feeling bad about how bad I felt about being a Hufflepuff. I mean, they're not bad people. (Tonks was a Hufflepuff, and if I get to be like Tonks, this will turn out to be a positive thing after all.) In fact, from the way they make it sound, they're very good people. It's just that I don't want to be that good. I don't want to be known for being that good. I want my goodness hidden away in a little box so I can deal it out whenever I want to, in secret, for fear that there would be a mad rush on it if everyone knew about it. And I don't want to sustain mockery based on the fact that I am good and kind and make an effort to be that way. (Well, I don't actually want to make an effort for any of this- hence wanting to be a Gryffindor or a Ravenclaw. Being sorted into one of those houses basically tells you want to be and people expect you to be it and, frankly, people see what they expect to see, even if it's not really there.) I'm perfectly happy to be cynical and bitingly witty like the rest of you. I'd rather you expected something else from me, so I could distribute my fairness, kindness, caring, and loyalty at my discretion. I'd rather be seen as interesting and important. I want to matter to more than just my friends and I want people to know how much I matter.

This is not something that I should be wanting. I should not be prideful. I should not want to have something tangibly wrong with me. I should not want to be a broken vessel that constantly needs fixing. I should delight in the fact that I've been told that the things most valuable about me line up with who I've told people I want to be instead of delighting in my hubris. I should be content if not joyful that I'm the House that lines up so well with the fruits of the Spirit. It should not matter to me what other people say. I should view this as a victory.

But I didn't think of this as a victory when I first saw it, and most of the time, I still don't. This is the core reason. This is why I'm upset. Because I should be happy about this on principle and I just can't get that happiness past my pride. But I'm working on that. Because Hufflepuffs are brave, smart, and ambitious too. We aren't limited by stereotypes just like real human beings in the real world aren't limited by what people think or say about them. It's just that we get to hope that things will be better and rest in the knowledge that our hope is not in vain. We get to believe that people are really good at heart. And that's our defining moment, that hope and that belief. I can do that.

That's why I'm not upset about being a Hufflepuff (or a Christian) anymore.