Changing

I couldn't find an appropriate place to link to it, but I think you should have a chortle at the premise for this movie entitled Leaves of Grass. Basically, you're welcome. Now, onto my real point(s).

At the beginning of the summer, I bought Leaves of Grass (and Paper Towns and An Abundance of Katherines) in preparation for Europe because through a combination of 31 Jokes for Nerds and the Anglerfish Song, I ended up watching a lot of Vlogbrothers videos in one go and fell in love with John Green's ideas, enough to, you know, go read a book or something. Leaves of Grass was a little bit of an impulse buy- I didn't know it'd be such a big part of Paper Towns, but two of my good friends had mentioned it and I wanted to broaden my horizons, so I picked it up (and besides, Whitman was a solid quote machine). It was a pocket-sized version (if you habitually wear trench coats) and it fit quite easily in the mesh side pocket of my little brother's purple extra camping backpack that wandered around nine countries with me all summer.

It also stayed in that pocket pretty much the whole summer.

I'm not really sure how the conversation got started but I distinctly remember walking up the steps to the train station in Venice in the rain, talking to Christine about how I wanted to read Leaves of Grass and enjoy poetry more and she said, "But isn't that just changing yourself for other people?" And I think I stammered and hand waved and ended up agreeing with her, partially because I didn't have a good counter argument, partially because I think the people in front of us spoke English and were listening to the conversation and partially because I've spent so much of my life changing myself for other people that it's a bit of a foreign concept to change simply because I want to change.

I'm only about halfway through Song of Myself and that's even after some intense attempts at poetry reading while I've been back. I get distracted by the imagery, I get distracted by words, I can't focus for long enough, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. I really must have only wanted to change so that people I like will like me more and we'll have more in common, otherwise I would have read the whole poem and have thought deep thoughts about it. I dunno, I'm just not that into poetry and try though I might, I am actually and truly more interested in my particle physics textbook than Walt Whitman. Sometimes I think this earns me judgmental looks from my humanities major friends.

I had a similar problem when considering the things I do. Throughout college, I didn't really go out to bars or to parties, nor did I drink or smoke. I didn't date, much less hook up with anyone. I stayed up late to finish papers and problems sets. I was involved in organizations because that's what I do well- I'm more comfortable in a committee meeting than I am shooting the breeze with friends. It's an unfortunate antisocial fact of my life. In a committee meeting I know who's in charge, I know what's supposed to be happening and I know what the goals are. Social settings are more complex and I'm much more likely to make nerdy jokes or inappropriate puns that lead to awkward silences while everyone around me tries to calculate the exact amount of time they can let pass before starting an entirely different topic of conversation. You've been there. You know what it's like.

But I think everyone expected me to go a little crazy while I was in Europe. I really think that there was an honest expectation of me finding a boy over there or at least coming back with good stories about the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam (apparently it's like the paintings come to life- definitely worth a try, from all accounts). Guys, I saw a bunch of churches. There's not much else besides that.

When I was in Edinburgh, I went to church on Sunday morning. The Fringe Festival was in full swing, so many people were already awake when I was leaving, filling the common room with the smell of tea and coffee. I waved and told everyone where I was going and I got a look from a couple of people at the table. The owner glanced up from her computer and said, "Oh, is it Sunday? I hardly even noticed." And as I was leaving, I thought about reverse judgement. I'm sure no one in that room changed the way they thought about me because of the fact that I went to church, but it's impossible not to imagine their interactions with me changing. Oh, can't talk about this around her. She goes to church. Oh, probably shouldn't mention that to her-it's a bit awkward since she goes to church. Do you think she'll think badly of me if I tell that story? She does go to church.

So lately I've been wanting to go out more. I mean, I don't really have a reason not to- yes, I work, but most mornings I don't have to be in until 9:30 or 10 and that's much better than the 8 AM classes I had the majority of my collegiate career. Yes, I'm tired at night, but I'm not so tired that I couldn't go to a bar and have a few drinks. And yes, my budget is tight, but I just got a credit card (which signaled my initiation into the adult world). I could flirt more, buy clothes that fit me differently (though I've gained back most of the weight I lost carrying around the weight of a small child on my back all summer), make an actual effort with my appearance. I could go out and get some stories and tell them as the true events they'd be. I wouldn't need jokes to fill my time in conversations. Plus, if I do all these things, people will see that I'm not judging them for their actions. Look, I'm doing it too. How can I be judging you if I'm doing it too? Can't you see I'm just like you?

But then, aren't I changing myself for other people?

And I know the youth group, high school, Above the Influence commercial response to this. Just be yourself and that will be enough. You are a wonderful person, you just need to find the other people like you. Don't change what's good about you. Who cares what other people think? It's their problem.

Being an adult, though, is realizing that things are complex, that there's more than one side to every issue and that even though the well-meaning, self-bolstering slogans contain grains of truth, living with people requires compromise. At my core, there's still this kid that really just wants to read her Bible and pray every night until the world's problems are solved. But that kid has a terrible time making conversation.

And I do so want to have conversations.