Someone needs to tell my emotions to cool it. I just got out of a long-term crush (I would tell him if I thought he'd listen) with the help of a rebound crush (I wouldn't tell him unless my integrity depended on it). Bear in mind that crushes are the closest things I've got to relationships. They're safest, closest to my bubble and inside the door to this strong room that I never willingly step out of. It's the weirdest thing, though- I've been carrying around this boy in my heart for the longest time and then he was thrown out like a song I've listened to too often or a movie I've watched too much. Then, with this other one, I got all giggly and dumb and happy and thought for sure this one was going places. Of course, I was a little crushed when it wasn't. And it's certainly my own fault for thinking that I had something here, proof of the fool that I can often be.
I love driving. I can turn up my music ridiculously loud and sing along and there ain't no one to judge except at the occasional awkward stoplight. Recently, this has consisted of Pretty Girl From Cedar Lane by The Avett Brothers loud and often on repeat. One time or another, listening through again, I realized that I had had a moment, and that moment was gone and that's fine.It's fine. And that, realizing that, is like coming up gasping for breath after being underwater too long or singing 'til you can't push another molecule of air from your diaphragm. It's a beautiful, beautiful feeling, being free.
And you know, I have depended for so long on the wrong perspective to make me feel right, to make me feel beautiful and wonderful and appreciated. Sometimes you just can't help but feel like less of a human being if you've had the epic lack of a love life that I've had. No, legitimately, if you can't find some boy who actually likes you by this age, you have to be doing something wrong, right? Yeah, screw that. I have a group of about 50 people who are willing to tell me at the drop of a hat that I am beautiful and I'm going to start believing them.
Because I want to live, so badly. I want to fly. I want to keep my head in the stars and never let anything pull me back down. And I think we spend so much time on this romantic love and finding our worth only when we find the one that we miss out on the everyday love that surrounds us and protects us. I want so badly to have this tangible love, the kind that you can hold in your hand or let slip through your fingers, the kind that binds you to a person like nothing else, the kind that you give, you hold out to them with tired arms and shaking shoulders, never wanting to let go. But I know that there's so much more to life than that, so many different ways you can give your love until it's gone. You can live and move and breathe without that one someone to tell you that you're worth the air that your lungs are stealing.
So I will not be heartbroken simply because I am not loved in the way the world wants me to be. I have these wonderful, beautiful sisters and friends who never fail to remind me of the huge number of good things in the world. There is Good, and it's going to win, and I am happy to love that, to work for it and hope for it and spend my nights singing from the rooftops instead of waiting on them. For once.
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