And you know, I like falling asleep in a T-shirt and jeans! I like waking up at 1 in the afternoon with hair that is inexplicably twenty times messier than it was when I fell asleep and I like heating leftover coffee up in the microwave only to find that there's no milk and no sugar and the only things on TV are reruns of CSI and the History channel. And if I want to screw any plans of productivity after graduation, go to bartender school, and go be a bartender in some big city while being a failing writer in my daytime life, what is it to You?
You know, sometimes people don't want to stay in their little bubbles that've been made for them. Sometimes, they don't want to have everything planned out ahead of time. Sometimes, they want to pick a random song on their iTunes and click the little genius button and have a playlist that they never would have expected to be so epic made for them. Sometimes, they want life to fall unexpectedly into their laps. They don't want to be responsible. Goodness, if we have the resources for it, what are we doing, sitting around and letting our lives walk by us as we wallow in our guilt and indecision?
What if good came out of this? You know, what if I got some crazy inspiration from the spiderweb in the corner of my room or the weird pattern that afternoon light makes as it filters through my window and the screen to dance around on my unmade bed, traversing through the sheets and comforter and pillows like my life is a maze to be conquered? What if I realized something important and shared it with the whole human race? What if the words that could bring peace to people who desperately want it, though they never seek it, came to me while I let the swing in the backyard sway gently back and forth? I saved that spider, you know. And I'm sorry my hair killed its home.
All I'm saying is that I'm tired. I'm tired and there are other people who can do anything You'd want me to do with more skill and better results. You don't want me doing anything, I'd have to look it up or think about it for exceptionally too long and then I'd solve it with way too many words and wrong ideas and... I just don't think that You want me doing anything right now.
Which is why, I suppose, I'm not.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
My Dragonflies
Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar used to retell a childhood story about dragonflies to explain the difference he saw between the world inside the singularity of a black hole and the outside world around it. A dragonfly nymph, still underwater, promised his companions that he would return below the surface of the water after he had left to change and tell them what the world was like above. Of course, after he turned into a dragonfly, he couldn't come back to tell his friends what had happened.
"Will none of you in pity
To those you left behind, disclose the secret?"
Of course, none of my friends leaving for their summer trips are doing anything quite so dramatic as the dragonfly. They're certainly not falling into a black hole, and, to follow the allusion to its full significance, none of them are going off to the Great Beyond, I hope. But some are leaving, and some have already left, to do something that to me is as different from the life I lead here as a dragonfly's life is from a nymph's. You're living fully into a call and following it to the ends of the Earth. But share about it, please, for those of us left behind.
God bless you, my friends, and bring you back safe. Let good work through you so that every second of every day, though you may not feel it, you may be helped by the grace of the people around you and you may help them in return. Love deeply those whose lives you touch, taking love from that never-ending supply, so that when you come back, you'll have some left to give to us as we listen to your stories and pretend that we can share in the life you've lived. Take courage so that you can give courage to each of us so that we can find our place here to live life as fully as you are. I can't wait to see you when you come back.
With all my love,
Addie Jo
"Will none of you in pity
To those you left behind, disclose the secret?"
Of course, none of my friends leaving for their summer trips are doing anything quite so dramatic as the dragonfly. They're certainly not falling into a black hole, and, to follow the allusion to its full significance, none of them are going off to the Great Beyond, I hope. But some are leaving, and some have already left, to do something that to me is as different from the life I lead here as a dragonfly's life is from a nymph's. You're living fully into a call and following it to the ends of the Earth. But share about it, please, for those of us left behind.
God bless you, my friends, and bring you back safe. Let good work through you so that every second of every day, though you may not feel it, you may be helped by the grace of the people around you and you may help them in return. Love deeply those whose lives you touch, taking love from that never-ending supply, so that when you come back, you'll have some left to give to us as we listen to your stories and pretend that we can share in the life you've lived. Take courage so that you can give courage to each of us so that we can find our place here to live life as fully as you are. I can't wait to see you when you come back.
With all my love,
Addie Jo
Friday, May 21, 2010
Romeo, Save Me
We will return to your regularly scheduled blog at some time in the near future mostly because I know no one wants to read my complaints about the patheticness (which should totally be a word, spellchecker) of my life and partially because I've finished watching all the episodes of The Office and won't be faced with the distracting romantic known as Jim Halpert every day. So really, I'll return to normal (which is apparently an enormous hatred of all men-kind, according to my roommate) after I get this all out.
First off, universe, what is with all of the marriage hints invading my life? No, really, I want answers. OK, part of that's my fault because there have to be at least 4 weddings in The Office (by the way, the first episode I saw was Jim and Pam's wedding and I had no clue what was going on; so much better the second time; LOVE!) but, really? I counted 12 status updates that had to do with marriages, I have two awesome friends who are getting married and are definitely not at fault here at all, I've heard marriage hints on the radio and then there's this site, LoveGivesMeHope. It's like MLIA, except super sweet. I can't call it pathetic, but it's the kind of stuff that you read when you either want to cry and/or make that awwww noise that you make around babies or small cute creatures such as hedgehogs. You laugh, but really, hedgehogs, the cutest things ever. Anyway, half of the stories on this are cute old couples and I cry when I read about old people who've been together their whole lives. The worst one? Actual tears on my keyboard over this one:
My grandpa is 85 years old.
Today, I just found out that ever since his wife, his true love, had died, he put roses on her grave every Sunday.
The drive is 2 hours away from where he lives. She was 29 when she died.
Listen, I want that. Well, I don't particularly want to die when I'm 29, but if I got to live with that kind of love for whatever amount of time, I wouldn't mind. The worst days of my life are the days when I'm afraid that I'll be alone for the rest of my life or will live out my days with a husband I don't really love. I can see that happening, too, that's maybe the worst part. I can imagine a future alone. I can't see a future with anyone. There has to be something wrong with me because your answer to "Where will you be in five years?" shouldn't be "Alone."
It's just frustrating. I know I'm not old. I know that I don't need to worry about stuff like this. Some people go to college expecting to find "the one" (oh, no, I just became one of those people who puts quotes around "the one") but I also know that plenty of people don't get married straight out of college like plenty of people don't get married straight out of high school. You wait for your professional career to settle down, or you wait until you find somebody who makes you change that around. People meet people in grad school or at work or just going out somewhere... it happens all the time and you just have to be patient.
At the same time, though, you wonder what you're doing wrong. I mean, should I try harder to find someone, really put myself out there? I could dress up more, expand my wardrobe to something beyond jeans and a t-shirt and stop buying shirts from the guy's sections (but really, the best shirts are from there- my cookie monster shirt, my Led Zeppelin shirt, my glow-in-the-dark Batman shirt, my Star Wars shirt), wear make-up more often, actually care about my hair... smile at a guy every one in a while. It's just that there really hasn't been anyone (loml excluded, but really, eventually I'm going to have to stop lying to myself) worth dressing up over. I mean, I do go to Carolina, and while the gender ratio isn't that bad, once you take out the athletes, the frat boys, the guys who are taken and the guys who remove themselves and other guys from the dating pool, it's slim pickings. I just don't think learning to walk in heels is going to help that much.
Most of the time I complain about being single so that people will contradict it and make me feel better about myself. It's one of like three things that I do this for. You know, I like being independent. I like having my own space, my own thoughts, my own feelings, no matter what they are. I like being able to choose to do whatever I want to on Friday night without having to consult someone. I like having complete use of my phone without having to text somebody super frequently or, worse, call them (idea-since no one really uses italics anymore, can they just be the universal sarcasm indicator? Because then the whole last sentence would have to be in italics). I like having something to talk about other than my relationships. It makes me a deeper person and people can hear about the things I'm really interested in, not just some boy they've never met and don't care to know about. Really. It's great. And it totally gives me time to practice my witty comebacks and piercing remarks that I'll need in case I ever have to have a heated discussion over something significant, like the best kind of coffee or the proper placement of a television with limited available spacing. Why would anyone ever give this up?
Have you ever seen me on a clear, dark night? I get left by the people I'm walking with because I can't tear my eyes away from the sky. It's kinda pathetic, but I love looking at the stars, drinking in as much of the sight as I can before clouds take it away or dawn comes to remove it more permanently. I can see why people in love stare at each other. And I know that there's more to love than what we've made it into, more than mushy Valentine's Day crap. It's something fierce, it's supposed to change you, it's supposed to bring out the heroic, the best parts of humanity and make life on Earth something worth living, not just something you have to sit through until you get to the next good thing. It doesn't belong just with the lovers, it carries throughout the world into families, through the Church, through people helping people, caring for people, making a difference, loving the planet we're all stuck on, dreaming up ways to make this whole place better, making it the way it could be, not just the way it is. Love isn't some intangible thing that just floats around, waiting for a breeze to blow it into the hearts of unsuspecting young people high on hormones, it's this crazy combination of emotions and determination that drives you to become someone worth becoming, to bring people up with you, to lift us up where we belong, regardless of who we are.
I don't know who lost that, or when, but I want it back.
First off, universe, what is with all of the marriage hints invading my life? No, really, I want answers. OK, part of that's my fault because there have to be at least 4 weddings in The Office (by the way, the first episode I saw was Jim and Pam's wedding and I had no clue what was going on; so much better the second time; LOVE!) but, really? I counted 12 status updates that had to do with marriages, I have two awesome friends who are getting married and are definitely not at fault here at all, I've heard marriage hints on the radio and then there's this site, LoveGivesMeHope. It's like MLIA, except super sweet. I can't call it pathetic, but it's the kind of stuff that you read when you either want to cry and/or make that awwww noise that you make around babies or small cute creatures such as hedgehogs. You laugh, but really, hedgehogs, the cutest things ever. Anyway, half of the stories on this are cute old couples and I cry when I read about old people who've been together their whole lives. The worst one? Actual tears on my keyboard over this one:
My grandpa is 85 years old.
Today, I just found out that ever since his wife, his true love, had died, he put roses on her grave every Sunday.
The drive is 2 hours away from where he lives. She was 29 when she died.
Listen, I want that. Well, I don't particularly want to die when I'm 29, but if I got to live with that kind of love for whatever amount of time, I wouldn't mind. The worst days of my life are the days when I'm afraid that I'll be alone for the rest of my life or will live out my days with a husband I don't really love. I can see that happening, too, that's maybe the worst part. I can imagine a future alone. I can't see a future with anyone. There has to be something wrong with me because your answer to "Where will you be in five years?" shouldn't be "Alone."
It's just frustrating. I know I'm not old. I know that I don't need to worry about stuff like this. Some people go to college expecting to find "the one" (oh, no, I just became one of those people who puts quotes around "the one") but I also know that plenty of people don't get married straight out of college like plenty of people don't get married straight out of high school. You wait for your professional career to settle down, or you wait until you find somebody who makes you change that around. People meet people in grad school or at work or just going out somewhere... it happens all the time and you just have to be patient.
At the same time, though, you wonder what you're doing wrong. I mean, should I try harder to find someone, really put myself out there? I could dress up more, expand my wardrobe to something beyond jeans and a t-shirt and stop buying shirts from the guy's sections (but really, the best shirts are from there- my cookie monster shirt, my Led Zeppelin shirt, my glow-in-the-dark Batman shirt, my Star Wars shirt), wear make-up more often, actually care about my hair... smile at a guy every one in a while. It's just that there really hasn't been anyone (loml excluded, but really, eventually I'm going to have to stop lying to myself) worth dressing up over. I mean, I do go to Carolina, and while the gender ratio isn't that bad, once you take out the athletes, the frat boys, the guys who are taken and the guys who remove themselves and other guys from the dating pool, it's slim pickings. I just don't think learning to walk in heels is going to help that much.
Most of the time I complain about being single so that people will contradict it and make me feel better about myself. It's one of like three things that I do this for. You know, I like being independent. I like having my own space, my own thoughts, my own feelings, no matter what they are. I like being able to choose to do whatever I want to on Friday night without having to consult someone. I like having complete use of my phone without having to text somebody super frequently or, worse, call them (idea-since no one really uses italics anymore, can they just be the universal sarcasm indicator? Because then the whole last sentence would have to be in italics). I like having something to talk about other than my relationships. It makes me a deeper person and people can hear about the things I'm really interested in, not just some boy they've never met and don't care to know about. Really. It's great. And it totally gives me time to practice my witty comebacks and piercing remarks that I'll need in case I ever have to have a heated discussion over something significant, like the best kind of coffee or the proper placement of a television with limited available spacing. Why would anyone ever give this up?
Have you ever seen me on a clear, dark night? I get left by the people I'm walking with because I can't tear my eyes away from the sky. It's kinda pathetic, but I love looking at the stars, drinking in as much of the sight as I can before clouds take it away or dawn comes to remove it more permanently. I can see why people in love stare at each other. And I know that there's more to love than what we've made it into, more than mushy Valentine's Day crap. It's something fierce, it's supposed to change you, it's supposed to bring out the heroic, the best parts of humanity and make life on Earth something worth living, not just something you have to sit through until you get to the next good thing. It doesn't belong just with the lovers, it carries throughout the world into families, through the Church, through people helping people, caring for people, making a difference, loving the planet we're all stuck on, dreaming up ways to make this whole place better, making it the way it could be, not just the way it is. Love isn't some intangible thing that just floats around, waiting for a breeze to blow it into the hearts of unsuspecting young people high on hormones, it's this crazy combination of emotions and determination that drives you to become someone worth becoming, to bring people up with you, to lift us up where we belong, regardless of who we are.
I don't know who lost that, or when, but I want it back.
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