Risk of Disappointment

So today wasn't really a red-letter day in the wonderful world of student teaching. I had a kid sit right in front of me, like smack dab in front of where I was standing while everyone was taking their test, I had a kid sit right in front of me and sleep through his test. I don't even want to grade it, I'm so frustrated right now. He even told me that he'd come before school today to get some help on it and I got myself to school early today, I'm talking like an hour and fifteen minutes before school starts, fully forty-five minutes before I'm required by the school to be there, and he never showed. So he waltzes into class and sits down and sleeps through his test right in front of where I'm working out the rest of the stuff they're going to learn today.

And I was so disappointed.

I really thought I was getting through here- he was asking for help in class, he was understanding explanations, he did his homework and turned it in, even when the rest of the class didn't, he was staying awake the majority of the time. And then today rolls around and he sits there and sleeps. I woke him up twice and he never wrote another number on his paper. What did I do? I put effort into this kid, you know, I tried. And it just broke my heart. So this is what disappointment feels like. I must have never been let down before.

You know, teaching three preps is hard. There's so much stuff you have to get ready. And I'm still learning how to teach and how to best interact with students. I need to be allowed to make those mistakes, to learn from what I'm doing wrong, or not exactly right. Students aren't like physics problems or math problems. They're these living breathing opportunities for education or misdirection, and if you mess up, you don't just crumple up a sheet of paper and start over. You have to correct and guide and hope that the opportunity doesn't turn the wrong way again. Physics problems stay put on the paper and in the book. Students do anything but that.

Add all of that onto the things I already do and having to take the PRAXIS (someone teach me biology before Saturday!) and going to the ACC tournament (OK, that's not really a stresser, that's kinda one of the best things that's happened in my life ever... the frequency of the best things occurring in my life ever has been increasing as of late and I'm not really sure what to do with that) and Europe and working and you know, eating and stuff like that that apparently you have to do, and I just crashed this afternoon. I also said those immortal words: "I can't do this."

And I can't. This is so much and I'm cracking. I clench my jaw and I take criticism worse than usual and I wake up with headaches and all I want to do is come back home and sleep. Of course, it's been this bad before, but that's when I dropped from a physics BS to a physics BA. There's nowhere to go from here. And of course I can't quit. Quitting is forever unacceptable.

Which is why I don't let my students quit. I'm going to make this kid stay awake in class on Monday when I'm back He is going to come afterschool for tutoring, so help me. He is going to learn the material and he is going to do wonderfully on this next test. And even with the risk of being disappointed again hanging over my head, I'm going to make sure that my other students think in class. They're going to fill in steps that they think they can't. They're going to learn to reason the right way to figure out these problems. I'm going to push them forward because I know they can do it. These are difficult goals, but not insurmountable. I know they can learn to reason, to think, to solve problems, to make their individual worlds better places.I know they can.

Don't you tell me they can't.