Planning: Day 7

Song of the Day: Symphony No. 7 “Leningrad” by Shostakovich

When I need to focus, it's best to be by myself. This is difficult to do in an office full of people, so I put in my headphones and turn up some music loudly so that I can effectively ignore everyone (sorry, coworkers) and my favorite piece of the past two years has been the Leningrad symphony by Shostakovich. Since I need to do a lot of research on careers in law and law schools and what that even means, I figured I’d take today’s post to research and share the best of my thoughts as I work, and then I realized that I have a lot of learning yet to do, so this is part 1 of the things I learned when I googled “So you want to be a lawyer”.

-Let’s start out here: http://www.law.harvard.edu/current/careers/opia/public-interest-law/issue-areas/issue-areas.html (Never mind the fact that I was hours into the internet before I even found the term “public interest”.)

This list, this is why I’d want to go to law school. To work on developing policy that would improve the lives of people who are never going to go to law school and are never going to know how to advocate for themselves or that they even deserve a better life. 

-This is where I actually started: http://thegirlsguidetolawschool.com/should-you-go-to-law-school/

-Six “Should You Go To Law School” articles in and I’m starting to wonder about who their intended audience is. I’m a good student. I’m prepared to work my ass off and I know it’s going to cost more money than I can imagine. Most grad schools do. Do lazy people even apply to law school? Apparently, lazy people think about it and I’m 98% sure these articles are written to keep them from even thinking about trying.

-They keep on saying that I need to be admitted to a top 50 law school. I wonder which ones those are. *Finds list* *Immediately scrolls to see where UNC is ranked out of habit*

-Maybe I shouldn’t apply to law school if I’m intimidated just looking at school rankings.

-And it’s not that I’m not competitive enough to do this, it’s just that the competitive monster is a difficult one to put back in a cage once I let it out.

-So what I’m hearing is that if I don’t get into a top 50 law school and graduate in the top half of my class, I basically wasted my money. Guess I’m taking the LSAT again, because goodness knows my current academic recommendations are not going to help my application.

-Ah, the UGPA/LSAT Score Searcher. The killer of dreams.

-Starting to think that this is really just going to be a multi-hundred dollar way for people to tell me that, no, actually, you’re not smart enough to be a lawyer. Shake the magic eight ball. Try again later. 

-But then I read these damn articles that are full of “it’s difficult and you’re going to work all these hours and it’s near impossible to have a personal life and it’s high-stress” and all I can think is, “Psst. Watch me beast that. I got this.” What is wrong with me?

-*Sees starting salaries* *Compulsively closes browser and walks away* SO. MUCH. MONEY.

-Okay, let’s just focus on what field of law we’d like to go into. If you’re going to go to law school, you should know why you’re doing it. What are some careers I’d like to consider?

-*Listens to What Do You Do With a BA in English? for self-confidence boost*

-*Resists urge to click on all foreign policy links because I would get nothing else done*

-Public Interest Law. That sounds like what I want to do! But maybe not. This is not the most helpful article: http://www.americanbar.org/publications/young_lawyer_home/young_lawyer_archive/yld_tyl_sept08_wimberly.html 

-I’m realizing that I want to advocate for people without ever having to work with them. I’m reading all this and all I can think is, “I have to talk to people?”

-But no, really, I don’t think I should be doing research for this while I’m tired. This all sounds existing. 

-LAW REFORM ORGANIZATIONS. YES. GIVE ME THIS THING: http://www.law.harvard.edu/current/careers/opia/public-interest-law/practice-settings/law-reform.html 

-But really, I don’t think I’m cut out for this. Like, at all. So I should stop researching and stop looking into this because it would exhaust me to do it and it would break me and I would be miserable and I would live for that one day when maybe we make an impact that stays on the books and saves people down the line and yet, I read this and still think, “But I WANT that.”

Planning: Day 6

Today’s Song: A Change Is Gonna Come by Sam Cooke

You ever sit down in a conversation and wonder how you got to where you are? Like, you’re with your friends and suddenly somehow you’re discussing the official designation for the chicken walkers the Empire has on Endor in Return of the Jedi, but you’re pretty sure you started this conversation talking about the benefits of liquid eyeliner? And you’re not displeased with how the conversation has travelled, just pleasantly amused at the turn things took? I got that sensation when I sat down to take the LSAT at the beginning of June.

The LSAT was one of two impulse purchases this spring, the other being a ukelele covered in constellations. I think that sentence encapsulates my entire existence, actually. The impetus behind registering for the LSAT was probably a combination of The West Wing, NPR, and that one conversation I had with a law student at a hostel in Marseilles a couple of years ago, so, in short, a bunch of not super great reasons to be a lawyer.

At the same time, we like the things we like for a reason. That’s one of my theories about life that I feel like I never give enough credence to. There’s a reason why I stuck with all seven seasons of West Wing, and why I never turn the channel when Mr. Smith Goes to Washington or Twelve Angry Men is on, and why NPR is one of like two presets on my car radio. I am interested in the stories of people who go to our government and demand that we live up to the ideals set before us. I am interested in the governing of our country. I am interested in the questions of our time and how our values as a people (should) play out in legislation and action. And maybe I’m interested in that for a reason.

I also like to fix things. I like to help people. I like to solve problems. One of the most frustrating situations I can imagine is seeing a problem, seeing a way to fix the problem, and not having the authority or the ability to implement the solution. Now, I don’t have the expertise to fix everything in Washington, or Raleigh, or on any town council. I don’t know the laws we have on the books, nor do I yet have the eye to look at any given situation and suss out what’s actually going on there. But I want to. I want to. 

Because I see problems. I see so many problems that are systematic in their nature and I am willing to go to bat for any number of them. Like the Civil Rights Act was an idea whose time had come, I feel like changes for the better are floating out in the air, waiting for their own time and I want to be ready and willing to help. I want to fight poverty and injustice and oppression in any and all forms they present themselves. I just don’t know how, other than volunteering at a food bank and signing a petition. I don’t know the best way to fix these problems. 

So I sat down to study and take the LSAT because maybe law school is the beginning of that journey and because being a public servant is at its core something I’d like to do. I almost laughed as they handed out the test books because filing quietly into a room and taking a standardized test is something I’m awesome at and taking this test was a challenge, it was a stretch, and I loved it. I love thinking that way and analyzing the problems set before you. I love the potential to effect a great change and the absurdity of the fact that this test could be the beginning of the avalanche. 

Now I know that you don’t need law school to do that. I know that getting into the system in this case can be a barrier for change. But when I signed up for the LSAT, I needed to be doing something and do something I did. A small, self-serving something, but a something nonetheless. And since I have this test score now and since there’s a part of me, no matter how small, that would like to go to Washington one day as more than a tourist, I’ll take this week to investigate what I’d do with a law degree and maybe even take a second to think about how reasonable this whole thing is. Any and all advice will be considered, so feel free to hop to the comments. 

Let’s see what we can do. 

Planning: Day 5

Song of the day: Bad Self Portraits by Lake Street Dive

I had a moment when I was standing in my bathroom at my parents’ house in my underwear, a tank top, and a plaid shirt, with my thick-rimmed glasses and my hair up in a bun, brushing my teeth because I can’t afford another filling anytime soon, laughing hysterically at an Avengers joke on the tumblr app on my phone and I thought, “This is literally the most millennial I can be.” Now, I’m not living at home because I can’t find a job (I’m stationed out here for the summer as a part of my job with outreach at the planetarium), but other than that, I cannot think of any way that I could cram another stereotype into that scenario, unless I tweeted a vine of it.

I’ve been a lot of a millennial lately. I’ve been a lot of the target market female. Oh, sure, I have my quirks, but like a lot of my generation, I’ve redefined myself in a surprisingly standard way. I think it’s good to have a healthy balance between the “I’m a unique flower” story and the “I’m just like everyone else” story. Because you’re not like everyone else. You are, uniquely, you, and to say that you’re like everyone else is to diminish every other person’s experience (because you’re really saying that everyone else is like you). At the same time, other people out there are guaranteed to share some of your likes, your dislikes, your style, your cares, your experiences. The trick, I think, is to find friends who both enrich your life experience but are also able to squee with you when RDJ calls Chris Evans “dorito.” Or whatever it is that delights your soul.

And I think that’s a lesson that I lost, that balance idea. For the longest time, I thought I had a DESTINY, that we all had our own unique destinies, and that these destinies were these fixed things. Sure, the choices that you made led to that destiny, but there was a right and a wrong here. Pick the wrong thing and you’re doomed to unhappiness in a cubicle. There is a right and a wrong and your soul will suffer if you don’t pick the vocation that makes your heart take flight, no matter what problems or difficulties that vocation may bring. 

We’re a generation of self-starters, I think. It’s easier to be a freelancer or to start your own business or to make something and put it out there on the internet. If it’s quality, if the work you do is good, then people will find it and you’ll be able to make a living out of it. Well, if you have the advantages and then the determination to make such a thing happen. Those are our heroes, you know? The people who make something of themselves. And I’m happy to make something of myself. But I’m not going to reinvent the wheel here.

Because the thing that makes my soul sing, I think, is helping other people. And at the same time that there are phenomenal ways of giving of our means and our time online, there are also physical structures out in the world with that same purpose and I work better in structure. I don’t want to hide behind it. I don’t want to pretend like there isn’t another way, a way that can often be better. But I know a little bit about myself and I did well at school because I excel in an environment that’s structured like that. Not everyone does, which is an education rant for another day, but since I do thrive in a structured environment, why wouldn’t I seek that out, especially when I can find places that do good within their organizational structure? 

Apathy is in these days, and bitter resignation, and suspicious pessimism. And that’s fair. I understand. Not caring is cool and I can see why that would be. But I have to step out of that. I can’t exist like that and be happy. I have to throw myself at a cause, give myself to something, do my best to make a difference in the world in the ways that I can. The days I spend on the couch eat at me. The absurdly high number of hours I have spent watching Netflix worries me. The longer I sit, the harder it is to stand and I desperately need to stand. We all do, I think, but I know that I will be unhappy and lost if I stay the way I am. 

I don’t need to save the world. 

But I don’t need to just watch it either.